How to Be More Social, Less Shy

Practice makes perfect...or at least, less shy at parties, meetings, everywhere.

Some folks are naturals at keeping the conversation going, Most of us, though, have to work at it a bit (or even more than a bit). Like other skills in life, practice makes perfect in learning to be less shy and more social, conversational and popular. Here are some skills to work on.

Difficulty:

Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Watching Seinfield or any other TV show can help practice your conversation skills.

   ***Watch TV***

   Pick a show that you're fond of. Remote in hand, pretend you're one of the characters. When it's his/her turn to speak, hit the mute button and make up your own lines.

   Don't censor yourself. Don't hem and haw. Just say whatever comes to mind (no one's listening, right?). In time, this will become easier and more natural, and will carry over to real world situations.

   By the way, don't try to be the character (who wants to be George Constanza anyway?). Be yourself. How would you react in the situation on TV?

   This may seem a bit on the silly side, but it's actually good practice for being socially spontaneous and more conversational, and *much* easier to arrange than pulling together a group of people who all want to practice their social skills.

2. ***Use the "Yes, and..." Trick***

   A standard tool for theater improv types, the "Yes and..." gets the words flowing, and creates a verbal bridge that expands the conversation.

   The 'yes' part is simply repeating and affirming what someone has just said to you. The 'and' part is exactly that...adding an 'and' after you've taken care of the 'yes'.

   BAD EXAMPLE:

   -Nice day today.

   -Sure is.

   This brings the conversation to a dead stop. It's got the 'yes' (affirmation), but not the 'and'. What comes next? Who's turn is it to speak?

   GOOD EXAMPLE

   -Nice day today.

   -It's a beautiful day, and...

   Get that habit of repeating/affirming, and then adding the 'and' as a transition to something more:

   ...and I plan to make the best of it by...

   ...and how are you going to spend the day, today?

   ...and I can't believe I'll be stuck inside painting my apartment all day.

   ...and I think I'll go to the park and take a stroll.

   Don't worry about what happens after the 'and'. Something will come out of your mouth. Trust me on this.

3. Speak up, and give others an opportunity to speak as well...they'll love you for it.

   ***Make 'em Look Good***

   Let's say you're headed to a social event that -- let's face it -- is making you apprehensive. Could be a meeting, a cocktail party, an interview, a date, a bookclub get-together. Some events just bring out the shyness in people.

   You've got a mental list of clever things you want to make sure you say...an idea for a new project, what you think of the latest political scandal, your strengths as an employee, a good joke you want to tell, why you think this is the best book ever!

   Nothing wrong with any of that. But keep in mind, being social is not all about you. Actively pull others in, and make them look good:

   "I was talking to John earlier about this project, and he had some really cool ideas. I'd love to hear more about them..."

   "I think they ought to lock those politicians up and throw away the key. But you sound like you have some real strong connections in politics. What do you think?"

   By shining the spotlight on others in a positive light, you help create good feeling, connections to new topics, and openings for you to jump back into the conversation. Just be sure not to use this as a way of always diverting attention from yourself. You deserve your moment in the sun as well.

4. ***Speak Up***

   You already know this, but I'll tell you anyway. If you *think* too much about what to say -- Will I offend him? Will this sound stupid? Has she said this already? -- then the moment passes, and you wind up silent.

   If you spend your time writing a script for what you should say before you say it, then you'll wind up staying silent more often than not.

   Say what comes to mind, and accept that it may come out perfectly witty, charming and polished...or it may not. But either way, it's better than standing mute.

5. Karaoke is a great exercise at public performance...you'll be non-shy in no time.

   ***Perform***

   Get out there, and put yourself in front of audiences. As many as you can find. Friends, office colleagues, strangers, classmates. The more you put yourself on the line in front of a group, the better you will be at it next time around.

   Makes no difference if the context is work, play, potential romance, education, community functions...use all these occasions to practice speaking up.

   Try karaoke. Play charades. Give a presentation at work, or in your community group. Promise yourself that you will, in fact, say something...anything...to that cute guy or gal you've been eying in the gym.

   Then do it.

6. ***Keep Going***

   There are some great sources of advice out there for how to project confidence, win friends and influence people. You'll find some good links in Resources for more information.

Resources

• Thinking and Speaking On Your Feet
• Shaking Off Shyness
• Summary: How to Win Friends and Influence People