How to Come Out to Your Parents

"Coming out" to your parents means that you have now self-identified as a lesbian or gay man. Initiating this discussion with parents can be nerve-racking. It can also be the start of a more open and honest relationship with them.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. Recruit some gay or lesbian friends who are willing to provide ongoing emotional support and feedback as you plan your coming out process. Consider their practical suggestions about the dos and don'ts of coming out.

2. Clarify your thoughts and feelings about what being gay or lesbian means to you. Understand that coming out is a very personal decision. There's no right or wrong way to do it.

3. Anticipate that your parents may believe myths or misconceptions about gays or lesbians. Consider their religious beliefs, whether they may feel guilty about their parenting skills, or their concerns about what the neighbors will think.

4. Practice an opening sentence that's comfortable for you and sets the tone for the discussion. For example, "Mom and Dad, I have a really important topic to discuss with you. I want you to know that I am gay," or "Dad and Mom, I want to be honest with you about my life. I am a lesbian. I have known this for a long time and now I want you to know it as well."

5. Understand that your parents may initially experience a sense of loss that will take them time to work through. Their feelings may focus on their loss of "the perfect child," "the perfect family" or their future role as grandparents.

6. Share relevant personal information about your process of accepting your sexual orientation. For example, "I knew I was different when I was 9; when I was 16 I learned that it was called being gay," or "I believed all of the negative things society says about gay people until I found positive gay role models who are business owners, lawyers and teachers."

7. Focus the conversation on your feelings and your personal experiences. This is not a religious or political discussion. It's about you and your efforts to have an honest relationship with your parents.

8. Stop the discussion if you feel threatened or overly criticized, or if either you or your parents become emotionally overwhelmed. Coming out is a process that happens over time.

9. Review the outcome of the discussion, regardless of how you evaluate it, with your supportive friends. Create an event where you and these friends celebrate this significant, brave accomplishment in your life.

10. Continue the discussion and information sharing about your life with your parents. Talk about people you date, gay and lesbian social events you attend, gay and lesbian couples you meet or social causes you support.

11. Have patience. Any number of situations may cause you to postpone this difficult discussion. If this happens, be gentle with yourself and identify when you'll try again.

Tips & Warnings

• Coming out is difficult, especially when you're coming out to parents. Therefore, it's important that you set the stage so that as many factors as possible are in your favor. In your family it may work best to talk to your parents separately. Or you might get more support and insight by first coming out to a close sibling and then using his or her feedback before talking with your parents.
• Provide a list of appropriate resource information to educate your parents about the positive realities of being gay or lesbian.
• This discussion is about your identity as a gay man or lesbian and your desire for an honest relationship with your parents. Redirect your parents if they attempt to place you in a stereotypical box that focuses on negative information. Introduce the concept that your sexual orientation is another one of your personal characteristics, just like eye and hair color, left- or right-handedness, and the areas you excel in, such as accounting or teaching.
• If you have any questions or concerns, contact a trained therapist before engaging in any activity related to health and diet. This information is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment.

[twzzzer]

on 8/16/2008 Be very careful coming out! It can be life threatening. You might have abusive parents who will beat you for it like my friend, or your parents might be so hard on you that you become suicidal. On the other hand, I strongly advise that they find out from you instead of someone else. Don't let them think you've been living a secret life behind their back, they never take that well. Be prepared for them to ground you and take your phone away. They did that to me for over a year. In extreme situations such as mine progress can be made but very slowly.
If you are going to use a letter (which I used several times) be sure to have a friend who has already come out proof read it and give you advise on what to say. A letter is a good approach if your parents won't listen to you or let you speak. Use things such as "I'm still the same son/daughter you've always had." or "The only decision I've m

[robertsloan2]

on 10/11/2007 Unless you have some previous awareness your family will take it well, I would suggest taking it in stages. Introduce a gay or lesbian friend first and watch their reaction. If you are still under legal age or financially dependent on them, the risks of coming out are much higher.

If they have already shown negative attitudes about gays and lesbians, do not put yourself in a position where they can make a negative impact on your livelihood, your housing or your personal possessions.

[kpatrick]

on 10/11/2007 I found it easier to come out to my sister first and she was behind me when I finally decided to come out to my parents.

on 6/30/2006 When I came out, my parents pretty much already knew. It was difficult, because they joked about it with me all the time before I came out and I thought that they regarded the whole thing as a joke. That made it difficult to talk to them.

I wrote my mother a letter and stuck it beneath her windshield wipers; she found it that morning and wrote me back saying she already knew and it didn't change anything.

Writing a letter, if done well, is one of the best indirect ways to come out. Remember, though, this doesn't solve the whole issue -- eventually you will have to talk to them about it. This is just a way of making it easier to do.

on 6/30/2006 My parents just found out I am a lesbian, and with both of them being strict Mormons, let's just say their reaction was similar to the atomic bomb being dropped on Hiroshima. They took everything away from me as a punishment. Now they are claiming they did this because I was dating a girl behind their back and didn't tell them I was lesbian sooner. I just got my computer back today, but they still have my car and cell phone. They won't let me talk to my fiancé, let alone see her, and now they are taking me to a psychiatrist (apparently I need mental help for being a lesbian).

My advice to everyone is help your parents understand. I agreed to go to a shrink, and I have shown them websites to help them understand. You just have to be patient, no parent is going to accept it right away, but they have to eventually or risk losing their child forever.