How to Build a Relationship Between Adult Siblings

Building relationships as adult siblings can be challenging.

Growing up in a multiple-child home can lead to conflict due to competition for parental and community approval, as well as clashes between siblings with very different personalities. Conflict can sometimes become so extreme that siblings stop communicating with each other well into adulthood. However, the bond between siblings is valuable and irreplaceable, since no one else in your life has access to the experiences you shared growing up together. It is never too late to heal damaged relationships between siblings, and you can become close or at least amicable even in adulthood.

Instructions

1. Establish communication with your sibling. This may require putting your pride aside if you have stopped speaking in the past as the result of a conflict, with both of you expecting the other to apologize first. Demonstrate your adult maturity by putting competitions aside and asking your sibling to meet with you for a conversation. Make it clear that you do not wish to argue or place blame and that you merely wish to heal old wounds and establish a relationship.

2. Ask a mediator to attend when you meet with your sibling for the first few serious conversations. With another person present who can guide the conversation to a productive conclusion, you are less likely to fall back into old patterns of conflict. Ensure that the mediator is a neutral party rather than someone who is close to you, or your sibling may feel that the dynamic is unfair or aggressive. Check with your sibling before you meet and ensure that she is comfortable with the presence of a mediator.

3. Say you are sorry to your sibling for anything that you may have done to hurt him. Apologizing will help dispel any residual resentment he may feel from your past and will help both of you move on and begin a new chapter in your relationship. If you apologize, he is likely to feel compelled to do so as well. Do not lace your apology with blame, and make it entirely about what you have done wrong, rather than about why you made a mistake as a result of your sibling’s flaws.

4. Invite one another to participate in daily life activities. After several serious conversations about past conflicts and differences, you and your sibling both should have apologized sincerely and can dispel resentment and avoid acting with fake cordiality. Begin with simple activities, such as meeting for meals. With time, patience, maturity and clear communication, you can begin to establish a friendship dynamic and start a healthy, meaningful relationship.

References

• Ohio State University Extension: Siblings Are Forever
• Psychology Today; Adult Sibling Rivalry; Jane Mersky Leder; January 1993
• Medical News Today; Study of Relationships Between Adult Children and Parents; Diane Swanbrow
• Second Act; 10 Ways to Reconnect With Your Adult Siblings; Jane Isay

Resources

• Read this Article in Spanish
• "Why Can’t We Get Along: Healing Adult Sibling Relationships”; Peter Goldenthal; 2002