The History of Courtship

How do I love thee? Why do I love thee? Throughout civilization, males and females have been elated, vexed and confused by the rituals imposed by society for them to find a worthy partner. This article shares how the notion of courtship evolved.

History

Once upon a time, females had a lot less choice about the males with whom they'd exchange vows. Brides were often abducted by neighboring tribes, betrothed to foreign nobles as part of a package deal to increase their kingdom's power and net worth, or presented by their parents at lavish debutante balls to which a select number of eligible--and socially appropriate--suitors had been invited. An unwed daughter in earlier centuries was considered a liability to her family as opposed to an asset in a husband's household where she could either add to the coffers with a generous dowry or do a full share of the work. The emergence of chivalry during the Middle Ages brought forth the courtly practice of wooing one's intended with love poems, music and acts of bravery to prove one's desirability as a mate. Not until World War I did women come to realize they had more options available. Courtship gifts aside, it was the new-found freedom to be able to choose someone for love instead of necessity that made the ritual priceless.

Function

Prior to medieval times, courtship wasn't so much the interaction between two people of the opposite sex as it was the negotiation that took place between their respective families. Young people were not believed to have the wits to make a smart match for themselves, but also the good the community--be it a humble village or a full-fledged monarchy--took precedence over any happiness of the individual. The engagement of a toddler princess to a king in his 20s wasn't uncommon, especially if the announcement helped establish a mutually advantageous liaison that would scare their respective enemies. The modern objectives of courtship, now known as dating, take the view that it's the individuals' love for one another that should override whatever the world-at-large wants. The dating process is a trial period to get to know each other's likes and dislikes and determine whether there's enough common ground to move the relationship toward something permanent.

Time Frame

For some people, "love at first sight" means exactly that; why bother to search further when your heart, mind and soul are telling you that you've just found "the one"? For others, courtship can take from a few weeks to several months to even several years. The reasons for procrastination can include such things as opposition by family members, financial hardship, work and travel schedules that impact the ability to date, reluctance to merge assets, reluctance to lose independence or wishful thinking that someone better might come along. For true romantics, the notion of courtship doesn't end after both sides say "I do"; it's an ongoing affirmation that one's partner is loved, treasured and respected.

Features

Typical elements of courtship include: flowers, chocolates, dates to the movies, dining out or having a home-cooked meal by candlelight, foot massages, love letters and cards, remembering special occasions like her birthday, long walks, asking questions, listening to the answers, talking on the phone, asking his opinion, playing board games, meeting for drinks or coffee, taking an interest in the things that interest her, and being a friend before you become a lover. While anyone can be scintillating for a three-hour date or over the course of a getaway weekend--especially if it's in a glamorous setting--a lot of people can't keep up their best behavior indefinitely. Dating someone over a period of time allows you to see them at their worst and to decide if they're being sick, grumpy, bored, angry, tired, or clumsy is something you can handle in the long term. Dating offers extraordinary experiences; real life, however, generally resides in an ordinary realm.

Benefits

Courtship allows individuals the time and the chance to build a foundation that's based on friendship and "like." While many couples dive straight into lust early in the dating, the chances of that relationship being sustainable over time are diminished if the only attraction is purely physical. This can be contrasted to an earlier era in which consummation was usually the last step in the courtship process to fulfilled.

Warning

To paraphrase a popular saying, anything that's going to be worth having has to be worth waiting--and working--for. Unfortunately, our "instant now" society tends to not see waiting and working as desirable investments, especially in affairs of the heart. Text-messaging has replaced the thoughtfulness and care that once went into the composition of love letters and poetry, while events such as speed-dating at clubs have turbocharged what used to be a slow, romantic dance of getting to know a potential partner. Instead of weeks of dating, meeting the family, and sharing opinions, many of today's singles have determined they'd rather spend 10 minutes or less sizing up strangers over drinks than spend the time and money to build a mutual foundation of respect. Likewise, the proliferation of companies such as eHarmony, Match.com and It's Just Lunch have reduced what used to be the excitement of accidental discovery to a surgical level of electronic matchmaking that simply tallies up compatibility scores and produces a candidate pool. As another popular saying wisely warns, "Easy come, easy go."

Resources

• Boundless
• Top Dating Tips
• Celebrate Love