How to Spot an Aries

Video Transcript

"Hi, I'm the star goddess, and here's how to spot an Aries. You can't miss these guys. They're the ones talking loudly about themselves, Rosie O'Donnell. Sporting a scar over their eye where they caught a beer bottle in a bar after pissing someone off with their bragging, like Russell Crowe. A wide gap between their front teeth like David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, and Elton John. Or a broken nose after ramming full steam ahead into an iceberg like the Titanic, born on April 12th. These are gun tote’n Chuck Connors the Rifleman; ruddy comp exited Thomas Jefferson, tough boys and girls, James Caan and Bette Davis. With a prominent brow or unibrow like Dennis Quaid and Joan Crawford. And a paginations attitude, Marlo Brando and Shannen Doherty. Speeding around town in a bright red sport car, starting a bunch of projects they have no intention of ever completing. These guys can tell a lie at two o'clock in the morning out of a sound sleep like Colin Powell. They're like fast cars, fast women, and don't spend a minute longer than they need to in order to get their gratification. These guys are the speed racers of the Zodiac, like Big Brown the Racehorse. Always off chasing the next warm thing that crosses their path like Warren Beatty and Hugh Hefner. They are the pioneers of the Zodiac. Boldly going where no man has gone before, William Shatner. And where no women have gone before either, Danica Patrick of Indy car fame and Sandra Day O'Connor, the first Supreme. So that's how you pick an Aries out of a crowd. I'm Janet Sciales, the Star Goddess, and that's better living through Astrology."