How to Cope With Irresponsible Siblings

Irresponsible siblings have no limits to their excuses or justifications.

Coping with irresponsible siblings is one of the most difficult tasks to face in life. As a child, you are often held accountable for their deliberate misbehavior. As a teenager and young adult, your parents frequently compare your lifestyle to theirs in an effort to steer them toward more responsible behaviors, often resulting in a rift in your relationship with them. It is often only in middle-age that you recognize the longevity of the dysfunction, your innocence in its beginnings and your only recourse: stop trying to fix it.

Things You'll Need

• Counselor or support group

Instructions

1. 

   Irresponsible siblings always have top secret schedules.

   Prepare for a lack of communication. This will be demonstrated covertly through an absence of normally anticipated news, sketchy ideas with vague details or even outright miscommunication. In this way, the irresponsible siblings always have a valid excuse: you misunderstood what little they said. Further, they can never be held accountable for failed obligations that may have been casually mentioned but never concretely promised. Their "top secret" scheduling habits will not change with your repeated requests for that simple courtesy so that you can fully complete your responsibilities.

2. 

   Irresponsible siblings can act responsibly and demonstrate empathy - for an audience.

   Do not waste your time trying to develop an exchange of communication and information with your siblings. Understand that your irresponsible siblings lack any empathy toward whatever realities of life you may be experiencing in a responsible role. This is not to say that they are not aware of how to act responsibly given an audience to perform for or an opportunity to prove you wrong. But their play-acting is usually temporary in nature, unless money enters the picture.

3. Be aware that your irresponsible siblings may suddenly become responsible in situations involving money and their access to it. Do not be surprised by this apparent change of face. Access to money always allows a greater degree of freedom in life choices and it is unsurprising that your siblings would welcome this chance and greater opportunities.

4. Expect and anticipate your siblings' use of the psychological defense mechanism known as projection. In an effort to decrease anxiety or guilt associated with their own behaviors, they unconsciously deny their own feelings and attribute them to others. You will often find yourself the scapegoat of their own unconscious feelings of guilt, inadequacy and anger.

5. Expect a newly responsible sibling to be a control freak. Because responsibility is new to them, they are used to working secretly or behind the scenes and they are insecure about their abilities, working with another person and potentially exposing their own deficiencies is anathema. They are incapable of delegating parts of a task because they must be in control and cannot demonstrate anything less than expertise. What they fail to realize is that individuals collaborate every day based upon their particular skills to cooperatively complete a project.

Tips & Warnings

• Not all dysfunctional families can overcome their pathologies. In many instances it is simply too little too late. Learn to accept this.

• As Alicia Fortenberry, psychotherapist and co-founder of the Uplift Program, suggests, ask yourself, "If this person weren't my [insert relationship here] would I want them as a friend?" She advises, "If the answer is 'no,' maybe you need to rethink the relationship, which is probably not helping you or them."

• If you are demonstrating symptoms of depression or difficulty coping with this very stressful situation, seek help through counseling services, community help groups or your family doctor. Don't try to work through these feelings alone.

References

• Uplift Program.com; Dealing With Dysfunctional Families; Alicia Fortenberry, MS
• PhysOrg.com; Sibling Relationships Reflect Family Dynamics; Ji-Yeon Kim, et al.; November 15, 2006
• The Side Road.com; Estranged Family: Dealing With a Family Rift; Mark Sichel
• "Wisconsin Literacy.org"; Documents; Dyslexia, Health and Literacy; Julie Gocey
• "Mental Health and Psychiatric Nursing: A Caring Approach"; Janet L. Davies, et al., 1991
• "Lifescript.com"; Psychological Projection: Dealing With Undesirable Emotions; Jennifer Beauman; January 3, 2008

Resources

• Irational.org: Irationality Dysfunctionality Questionnaire
• Uplift Program.com: Alicia Fortinberry