How to Make Shared Custody Work Through the Holidays

Managing the holidays while juggling shared custody can feel impossible. If you create a schedule that isn't overwhelming, focus on helping your child, and keep the lines of communication open with your ex, you can get through and enjoy the holidays.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• Toys

1. Accept that the holidays are going to be difficult whether your child is with you or not. Be prepared to deal with your child's and your own feelings of loss, disappointment, anger, sorrow and guilt.
2. Talk to your ex far in advance of every holiday. Plan out where the child will be during the holiday season, day by day. Most families alternate holidays: Mom gets Thanksgiving, Dad gets Christmas Eve, Mom gets Christmas, and so on, and then it reverses the next year.
3. Make a holiday schedule that isn't too overwhelming. Returning a child to Mom at midnight on Christmas Eve is too difficult. Plan the season so that your child has quality time with both of you and no one feels rushed or overcommitted.
4. Focus on making the holidays enjoyable for your child. This should be the most important thing.
5. Talk to your child about the holidays. Explain how things will work and answer any questions he or she may have.
6. Don't have high expectations if your child is going to be with you. Know that it cannot be a perfect storybook holiday and that there is nothing you can do to change that. Your child will miss the other parent. Focus on enjoying the time you spend with your child.
7. Avoid imposing guilt on your child. If you won't be together on the actual holiday itself, don't tell your child how sad, depressed and miserable you are. It's fine to say that you'll miss him or her, but try to focus on making your child feel happy and excited about what is planned. Emphasize that you'll celebrate another day.
8. Don't overplan. If your child will be with you, don't plan too many activities.
9. Keep yourself busy. If your child is not going to be with you, find things to do so that you don't mope.
10. Arrange for phone contact. Children should be able to call or talk to the parent they are not with each holiday. This helps them feel connected to both parents.
11. Create new traditions. Things can never be the same as they were when you and your ex lived together. Don't try to re-create holidays past. Move forward, incorporating some things from the past while finding new things you can call your own.

Tips & Warnings

• Remember that the holidays are about celebrating and sharing love. Keep this as your focus. It doesn't matter how you end up celebrating, as long as you can share your love with your child.
• Consider a joint celebration. Some parents with shared custody open presents together as a family on Christmas morning. Do whatever feels the most comfortable for your situation. It's important that your child realize that he or she is still part of a family.
• Talk to your ex about the gifts you plan to purchase. This will avoid duplicates and the disappointment they bring.
• Don't give too much importance to the holidays. It's more important for your child to be happy and comfortable than for the holidays to fulfill your fantasies.
• If you or your child become severely depressed during the holidays, see a counselor or therapist.