How to Get a Friend That You Lost Back

The loss of a good friend is always difficult. What happened and why the person decided to leave the friendship impacts how difficult or easy it will be to re-establish a good, healthy connection. Relationships often require delicate maneuvering; most people bring their own fears and other issues to the relationship, even if it is just a friendship. This can result in a lot of drama if the wrong buttons are pushed. Whatever the reason for the loss, it doesn’t hurt to try to mend things, as long as you do so with positive intentions and in the best interests of both of you.

Instructions

1. Assess the situation honestly. Ask yourself what really pushed the friend away, and whether it is something that can be mended. In all relationships, there is give and take. Before you approach the friend, you need to be clear in your mind about what went wrong.

2. Deal with your own negative feelings about the situation. This is easier said than done. If you feel very angry, for example, you need to find some way to soften that before you try to contact your estranged friend, otherwise, she may sense your lingering negativity (people can intuit our emotions more than we realize).

3. Write an honest, heartfelt letter (or email). Do not call the person on the phone, unless that was your primary method of communicating, and do not just show up at his door—this may feel too intrusive and put him on the defensive.

4. Apologize genuinely if you know or feel you have wronged this person. Admit to what you have done and say you are sorry, and mean it. Assume responsibility for your part in whatever arguments or problems occurred. Avoid blaming your friend, even if she also did something wrong.

5. Explain that you do miss him and would really like to resume the friendship, if he is willing. Do not pressure the person—just open the door, figuratively, so if he wants to come back, he knows it is an option.

6. Ask for feedback from this person, and listen to it if it comes. Show that you are willing to take emotionally healthy steps to improve the friendship. This could mean a number of things; for example, it could mean that you are willing to discuss things in a more mature manner, that you are willing to compromise or that you acknowledge that certain subjects may be emotional buttons for your friend.

7. Be a good friend. This means respecting the other person’s needs and desires and being considerate and caring (to your friend and to yourself). Try to put yourself in your friend’s shoes, when possible, and if you still don’t understand a particular need or reaction, just ask. Good communication is essential.

Tips & Warnings

• If the event or conversation that tore the friendship was full of anger or pain, or created a lot of distrust, it may take some time to put things right again. Try to be patient. During that time (while you are waiting) do as much as you can to improve your emotional and mental health (there are many good books on developing self-esteem and feeling better—look for them in the self-help section of any bookstore).

• Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you may not be able to mend the friendship. If this seems to be happening, just do what you can to make yourself feel better and happier (in a healthy, non-destructive way).

References

• Reader's Digest: How to Mend a Broken Friendship