-
Step 1
Find a good doctor. First, find out if you are really dealing with infertility. Typically, doctors suggest that if you are under age 35 and have been unable to conceive for twelve (12) months or longer, you may be dealing with infertility. The same goes for women over age 35, who have unable to conceive for over six (6) months. If you fall in this category, find a good doctor who will listen to what you want and respect your personal and spiritual beliefs. You doctor will likely suggest some early testing of you and your partner to determine if you are actually dealing with infertility.
Even if you have been able to conceive previously, but fall into the above description, you should talk to you doctor about the possibility of ‘secondary infertility,’ which is where a woman gives birth to a biological child, but cannot conceive again.
Also, if you have conceived and miscarried, you should talk to your doctor. -
Step 2
Get support. If you are dealing with infertility, it’s extremely helpful to get support from others who are going through the same thing. At a support group you will find women (and sometimes men, depending on the group’s structure) at various stages in their infertility. Some will be pursuing treatment, which can be very helpful if you are doing the same. Others may be pursuing adoption and other still deciding what to do. Also, support can help you with the difficulties that may arise between you and your partner as a result of infertility.
To locate an infertility support group near you, local churches or RESOLVE.com is are good places to start. -
Step 3
Expect unhelpful advice and comments. Sometimes friends and family (and occasionally people you don’t even know!) will offer insensitive thoughts, tips or help that are just plain rude. More often than not, they are trying to be helpful and don’t know what to say. Expect it. It’s painful, but when you feel strong enough, you can be the person who gently educates them about infertility. They’ll be a better person for having known you.
-
Step 4
Be selective when discussing your infertility. Don’t feel like you need to explain everything to everyone right away. Sometimes when people find out you’re struggling, they may ask you about every time they see you, and may not want to discuss it. Or they may offer help that you don’t really want. You should decide who to tell, and when.
-
Step 5
Do what you can handle. Baby showers, births, Mother’s Day, holidays, visiting with a group of your friends who have children…they can all be very painful times for someone who is struggling to get pregnant. Sometimes you just don’t have the option to skip out on Christmas, but if you can pass over something you don’t need to attend, politely bow out. If your best friend is pregnant and truly cares about you, and you’re honest with her about your pain, she probably won’t be offended if you don’t attend her baby shower. Just send a gift. It’s not worth it for you to spend two weeks crying over a bucket of ice cream for her two hours of happiness. She’ll be okay.
-
Step 6
Get educated on the facts about the infertility struggle. It’s important to understand the facts about what you’re going through so you can be equipped to handle those who will make insensitive remarks or give unhelpful advice. It’s better to be prepared when someone tells you to just relax or suggests that maybe you should adopt and then you’ll get pregnant.*
* These are both myths. Infertility causes stress, but stress doesn’t cause infertility. Also, you may have heard the stories about someone who decides to adopt and suddenly finds themselves pregnant. Sure, it happens, but you don’t hear about the countless couples who adopt each year and never get pregnant naturally. -
Step 7
Know that men and women handle infertility in different ways. Women are often frustrated that while they are drowning in their pain over not being able to get pregnant, their husbands are seemingly moving on with their lives. However, studies show that men are about five years behind their wives in dealing with infertility. On top of that, women are often saddled with more expectations around having children and generally endure more of the comments, etc. which make it extra painful.
-
Step 8
Even if you get pregnant through infertility treatments or decide to adopt, it doesn’t take away the pain of infertility. Many falsely believe that if they only have a child, it will solve their problem of infertility. But it doesn’t. It is better to deal with the pain and grief over not being able to give birth to your child naturally, before getting or having a child, because that pain won’t go away. You may have a baby, but you’ll also still have that ache in your heart.
-
Step 9
Fertility treatment and adoption aren’t the only solutions. Friends, family and doctors may urge you to get treatment or insist that you adopt. But how you and your partner handle this time in your lives is your own personal decision. Many choose to remain child-free.
Making a decision to be child-free is helpful for many couples since it gives them proactive control over their situation. Choosing to be child-free also gives them the ability to view their situation in a more positive light (we can spend our time and money how we want, enjoy our marriage, etc.) vs. the negative view of infertility (we can’t get pregnant, we are ‘less than’ without children, etc.). -
Step 10
The pain of infertility doesn’t go away, but it does get easier. Even if you never conceive naturally, the pain of your infertility will get better with time. Support goes a long way to making this happen.
Comments
JudyFord said
on 9/17/2009 ❤ great support!
adikeys said
on 9/15/2009 Thanks for the info. I'm 34 now and can't have kids. will need test tube & surrogate, but don't have the resources. It took me several years to come to terms with it and I have chosen to live child-free. There are still sometimes days I miss having a kid around, but then I reassure myself by thinking of how a huge expense & responsibility kids are.