How to Cope With Extreme Shyness
Shyness comes in a continuum, ranging from "stage fright" to "hermit." If you are shy enough that it causes you distress, makes it difficult to work or enjoy a social life, or even keeps you at home alone, you might have Social Phobia, Social Anxiety Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder. You can learn to be shy and happy.
* Social Phobia - Excessive fear of embarrassment in social situations. This can have debilitating effects on personal and professional relationships.
* Social Anxiety Disorder - A specific social anxiety would be the fear of one thing, such as speaking in front of groups. Generalized social phobia indicates that the person is uncomfortable in almost all social situations.
* Avoidant Personality Disorder - a condition characterized by extreme shyness, feelings of inadequacy, and sensitivity to rejection.
Not all methods work for all people. Try what you think will work for you.
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Instructions
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Get help.
Yes, conquer your fear of people with the help of people. A counselor can guide you and be your cheerleader as you go out into the world. You might find a meetup or support group with like-minded people. (Be careful. Every group has a "personality" of its own. If there is a lot of negativity in the group, run, don't walk away from it.) Also consider conquering your fears with others who are conquering the most common social phobia - join Toastmasters. -
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Get out there and take a risk.
You can't do it if you don't try. Force yourself to do what scares you. This is a behavioral approach. Most therapists recommend a cognitive-behavioral approach to deal with extreme shyness.
Cognitive therapy- Teaching yourself to think differently.
Behavioral therapy- Teaching yourself to do things differently.
Most therapists use a combination of the two.
You might use the "get your toes wet" method; such as making one phone call - Or you might "jump right in," maybe by volunteering to lead a small book club. Do what feels right, but it's important to go a little beyond your comfort zone.
Don't be discouraged if you're not all better after one or two weeks. This really does work, but it takes time. -
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Talk to yourself.
We all have a little voice in our heads, reminding us when we've messed up. For shy people, this "inner critic" works overtime. Not only have we messed up, but the damage is obvious, and permanent, and we *always* mess up... Most of the time this critic is wrong, or he's exaggerating. It's time to tell him he's wrong. When something "bad" happens, (say, your boss criticizes a choice you made,) try to interrupt the flow of criticism with self-statements such as "Nothing permanent happened," or "Everyone makes mistakes." Do this all the time if you need to. In time, you'll believe it. Re-train yourself until the reassuring self-talk comes more naturally than the criticism. -
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Pretend you're not shy.
For most people, social skills come naturally. For a shy person, they may need to be learned. For instance, you might train yourself to look people in the eye when they talk to you. By learning social skills, you give yourself tools.
Probably the most important thing you can learn is small-talk. Pay attention to what people say and how they say it, and imitate them. If you're at a loss for words, ask a question. Most people love to talk about themselves, so it's hard to go wrong this way. -
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Accept yourself.
Severe shyness is likely caused by a genetic predisposition combined with shy or critical parents and traumatic experiences. This is the way you are. Few people switch from "shy" to "outgoing" within their lifetimes, but many people learn to live with their shyness; you wouldn't even know they're shy!
You don't really want to become an obnoxious loudmouth, anyway, right? Surround yourself with a few good friends and enjoy life. You can't help being shy; but with work you can overcome it.
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Tips & Warnings
The most common social phobia is fear of public speaking. Most people understand the physical and emotional feelings of shyness when they stand before a group of people and try to talk.
Don't be afraid of the term "personality disorder." It means that it's part of who you are, and that it's not working for you; it makes you unhappy. It doesn't mean you're crazy!
This article is not intended to take the place of professional advice. If you have feelings of anxiety or depression, ask your doctor or a professional counselor.
Resources
- Photo Credit Microsoft
