How to Handle Cheating in a Relationship
Romantic partnerships are complex and when a relationship has been compromised by infidelity it can be a slow process toward recovery. According to a study conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, and published on Oprah.com, one out of 2.7 men will cheat on their wives. If your partner has cheated, you should consider a number of factors as you move forward individually and in your relationship.
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Instructions
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Get everything in the open. The first step to dealing with infidelity is knowing about it. Trust is at the heart of healthy relationships, so it is important that the cheating partner divulge the infidelities. Be prepared to hear about the cheating from a place of calm. Anger only makes your partner defensive or more likely to lie to avoid conflict.
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Discuss what you both want. Is the infidelity over or is the affair on going? Are you willing to stay with your partner despite the cheating? Obviously if your partner is in love with someone else or continuing the affair, separating from the relationship is in your best interest. However, if the affair is over and your partner is remorseful, you can take steps to repair the damage.
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Listen carefully and try to understand. When your partner cheats, anger, jealousy and feelings of betrayal may make it difficult to hear his reasons for the affair. However, if you intend to salvage the relationship, you must be open to understanding the motivation behind the infidelity. Neuman cites the emotional disconnect between couples as a major factor in cheating. He explains that men need to feel valued and when they are not connecting emotionally to their partner, they may start looking for that positive reinforcement elsewhere.
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Make a plan to move forward. If you have decided to work on your relationship, make it a priority by planning what the future must look like for both of you to be happy. According to therapist Dr. Jay Ferraro, in a candid article for the Huffington Post during which he described his own infidelity and recovery, total transparency is key in surviving an affair. He explains that, not only was it important for him to be totally honest, but he also had to take full responsibility for his actions, show empathy and feel genuine remorse.
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Do the work. Continuing a relationship is not a one-time decision. Moments of jealousy may arise, old patterns might reappear and every day could prove to be another learning opportunity in the path to overcoming the infidelity. Don't hold the mistake against him or punish him repeatedly for the affair, but do hold yourself and him accountable for creating an honest and loving relationship. In some instances, counseling is a good choice to help keep the lines of communication open and to have an unbiased party to guide the relationship back from the edge.
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Consider other options. In relationships where cheating is a recurring issue, you might consider alternative choices to monogamy. If you don't want to leave the relationship and your partner will not commit to you fully, consider polyamory or the practice of having more than one intimate relationship at a time. According to Deborah Anapol, Ph.D. in her 2010 article "The Upside of Polyamory," published in Psychology Today, marriage is largely based on patterns established during biblical times and polyamory helps people break out of dysfunctional sex roles to achieve more equal, respectful relationships.
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Tips & Warnings
If you're having trouble coping with an affair, considering seeking counseling as an individual.
References
- Oprah.com; Why Men Cheat; February 2009
- "Huffington Post"; Coping with Marital Infidelity: Dr. Jay and Julie Kent Ferraro Are 'Surprised by Love'; Sara Wilson; June 2011
- "Psychology Today"; The Upside of Polyamory; Deborah Anapol; December 2010
- "Psychology Today"; The Mend of the Affair; Lauren Aaronson; September 2005
- Photo Credit Creatas/Creatas/Getty Images
