How to Cope After Infidelity
Getting cheated on is a wretched experience, not least because it evokes a range of negative emotions. So what do you do with all that negativity and bad feeling? How do you overcome it? This article is a step-by-step guide to understanding and overcoming infidelity.
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Instructions
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The first decision you need to make is whether or not you want to salvage your now tarnished relationship. This article is for those who wish to end the relationship (please see my article entitled How To Save A Relationship after infidelity if you believe your relationship is worth saving)
The second you end the relationship, you cease to be a passive victim and take back control of your life. Tell your partner your relationship is over and do not participate in any further contact with them.
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The end of a relationship brings with it a process of grieving. The 5 stages of grief are well documented (a link is shown below) denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance and you must work through each before you can move forward with your life.
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Denial - Denial is a natural flight response that gives us time to process what is a very hurtful situation. Each step takes time and there is no exact science that can predict how long each will take, however, there are things you can do to overcome denial.
1. Force yourself to think about what your partner did.
2. Remind yourself that it was not your choice. -
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Anger - It is only natural that thinking about what your partner did and that they took away your choices will make you angry. You have every right to be! The anger phase can lead to bad decision making, such as revenge. The following are 3 things you can do to deal with you anger.
1. Give yourself permission to be angry.
2. Write a letter to your partner venting your spleen and telling them exactly what a jerk they are, seal it, address it, then put it away in a drawer.
3. Remember anger is a mask for a different emotion, usually hurt or frustration. Giving yourself time to write about exactly how you feel over the next 7 days will help you progress through the anger phase. -
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Bargaining - The Bargaining stage is rather obscure, this is where we try to replace or supplement what we've lost. The danger in this phase is the 'rebound' relationship. During bargaining it is wise to:
1. Commit to a period of recovery without the complication of another relationship.
2. Remind yourself of what you have gained, after all, had you not discovered this, you could have wasted years on someone who would betray you. -
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Depression - The hurt you will feel can be completely overwhelming. You will go through a period of hurt and desperation and again this is a completely natural response to the ordeal you have been through. To overcome the depression stage you should:
1. Indulge yourself with enjoyable experiences.
2. Avoid medication or alcohol.
3. Give yourself permission to be upset, there is no shame in it and hiding it prolongs the inevitable. -
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Acceptance - Accepting what has happened can be tough, but ultimately, it is something you must do. It is only when you have accepted the curve ball life has thrown at you that you can get back to batting! To help with acceptance:
1. Revisit your letter written previously, how does it make you feel?
2. Write down what you have gained and why you are glad to be rid of them.When the letter not longer makes you feel hurt and angry and you know that you have had a lucky escape, you're ready to move on to a better, happier, more fulfilling life.
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