How to Rid a Life of "Toxic" People

The Internet is flooded with relationship advice, covering every conceivable topic from how to meet someone to how to break up. Not discussed nearly as often is how to rid your life of "toxic" friends and acquaintances--those relationships that seem to leave you feeling drained and/or frustrated, if not outright angry.

Many people with unpleasant friends and acquaintances have a difficult time sorting through their misgivings, despite what their instincts are telling them. Confronting "toxic" people can be highly unpleasant--hence the rating of "challenging" for this article--but not confronting them can be much worse in the long run.

Things You'll Need

• *A steely reserve

Instructions

1. Take a long moment to reflect on the behavior of the friend or acquaintance. Has their irksome behavior come about suddenly, and has it coincided with an unpleasant event in their life? A friend or acquaintance who has always been kind and supportive may not be her usual self if she has been going through a painful break-up or divorce, a job loss or a death in the family. If this is the case, be patient and understanding with the person; let her know you're there for her should she need you, and avoid mentioning her behavior unless it truly becomes abusive, or lasts for months after their crisis has ended. You would expect nothing less in return, correct?

   If, after serious reflection, you determine that the friend or acquaintance is acting in a rude or passive-aggressive way as a result of his own personal neuroses rather than any sort of life crisis, you need to cut him loose. There are two common ways to do this, and while one is much easier, the other will probably engender more self-respect.

2. Consider the easy method of getting rid of irritating companions--though, quite honestly, it's a tad cowardly. Simply cut off contact. Don't return calls, block emails, don't pay any visits and--temporarily, at least--stay away from common past haunts. The upside is that you get to avoid confrontation. The downside is that: 1) You may feel awkward about your staged "disappearance"; and 2) the offending party may never find out that she was in any way offensive. Still, it is an option, and many of us have tried the "silent freeze-out" at one time or another. It's just not highly recommended.

3. Explore an alternate option that is more painful, but builds character, and may even set the "toxic" friend or acquaintance on a better behavioral path: honesty. Meet with the offending party in private, as her emotions may run high (though if you feel she is truly volatile, you may want to meet in public over coffee). Difficult though it may be, get to the point and explain not only that you don't want to spend time with her anymore, but why. Do not, however, make the mistake of turning this delicate situation into a put-down marathon. You're not there to belittle and hurt the "toxic" person, any more than you're there to continue turning a deaf ear to her spite. Be clear, succinct and polite (yet firm), and offer no more than a few examples of offending behavior if the other person presses you for damning evidence (and she will, so be prepared). She may cry, she may counter with what she feels to be less-than-stellar examples of your behavior, or she may become furious and start yelling. Do your utmost to react to all of these potential outcomes with a polite but firm resolution to end the friendship. If you're truly feeling strong, wish her the best of luck with her life--and mean it--regardless of what insults she hurls at you as you walk the door.

4. Prepare for the aftermath. The person you've rid yourself of will do one of two things:

   1) He will cut himself off from you as well, and you will never hear from him again. This is the most likely outcome.

   2) After a period of silence and absence between you and the "toxic" friend or acquaintance--lasting anywhere from a matter of hours to possibly years, depending on the person--he will try to get in touch with you again. In this case, if the ex-companion bizarrely acts as though nothing ever happened, continue to cut off contact, as this is a refusal to acknowledge a reality that would force him to admit to lousy behavior and offer an apology he isn't mature enough to make.

   On the other hand, if the ex-companion seems genuinely remorseful over the loss of the friendship, and offers a sincere apology, along with a believable explanation of his behavior, you may want to reconsider the platonic breakup. Any heart-to-heart discussion about continuing the friendship should be honest, candid and open. A true friendship can survive such discussions.

Tips & Warnings

• Bear in mind that the most common behavior "toxic" people exhibit is passive-aggressive behavior, which is usually due to jealousy borne of extreme insecurity. A good litmus test is to watch how those in your social circle react when positive events occur in your life--such as an exciting new relationship, a great job or job promotion, or a visibly improved appearance through weight loss or athletic activity. Also bear in mind that these sorts of people have deep-set issues and rarely change for anyone, so don't hold your breath!

Resources

• Read this Article in Spanish