Things You'll Need:
- Patience
- Patience
- Patience!!
- Lots of love.
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Step 1
When you meet that special guy, take it slow. Keep your children out of your "dating" life until you both are comfortable with the fact that your relationship is more than just a "date".
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Step 2
Once you and your guy decide to marry, involve everyone in the planning. Depending on the childrens' ages, your bliss and attention to the wedding can make children feel left out. Keep them involved and don't forget about their feelings. Remember that they aren't as excited about your plans as you are!
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Step 3
At the wedding, your focus is naturally on you and your new spouse. As a parent, a wedding is not "your day" anymore. This might sound harsh, but this day will be very hard for the children. I speak from personal experience! My children were thrilled about this relationship UNTIL the wedding day. The wedding made it real life, and they were scared about what happened next. Keep them close and keep them involved in the festivities. If done right, it can be a grand day for everyone.
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Step 4
Ok, now you're married. One big happy family.... RIGHT? NO. Statistics say it takes five to seven years for stepfamilies to "blend". Take a deep breath. If your kids have a father, don't expect them to call your new husband "dad". Likewise, your stepchildren should not be told to call you "mom". They have a mom (usually) already. Many stepmoms are called by their first names, as are stepdads. Each situation is different.
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Step 5
Setting up your new house is also important. Make sure your children have their rooms, and if your stepchild spends part time with you, they need a room too (if possible). The ideal situation is to make the stepchild feel as welcome as possible in your home. Make them feel like they belong with you just as much as your own children, not as if they are visitors.
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Step 6
It is naive to expect everyone to get along and never fight. This situation is a juggling act, and the adults need to keep the balls up in the air. The children should not be expected to understand what is happening and be expected to act accordingly. Be fair and make the rules the same for all of the children. Do not favor your bio children or treat your spouse's children as aliens!
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Step 7
Start family traditions that include all of the children. Every family has traditions, and you now have two family groups to consider. Be flexible. Your stepchildren might be used to, for instance, opening their Christmas presents on Christmas Day and your children are used to Christmas Eve. Compromise and make a new time to open gifts that's different than what both children are used to so that they don't feel like you are favoring one way or the other.
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Step 8
When any of the children have choir concerts or ball games, attend. Both adults should attend, whether they are your bio children or not. All of the children need to know that you care about what they are doing and that you support them. If each parent only goes to their childrens' events, there will be hurt feelings and that will not help blend your family.
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Step 9
Along with your stepchildren, you also get the ex-wife. The worst thing you can do is to bad-mouth the ex-wife in front of any of the children. It only makes a trying situation worse. Remember that when you speak, the children listen. The children then go home to their mother and repeat everything you said! It can be very difficult not to be angry at the ex-wife, but discuss it with your husband (not the children) and discuss it in private. Remember: alienate the ex-wife -- alienate the child.
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Step 10
As the stepchildren get older, your demeanor (good or bad) towards them is more than obvious. If you are mad because your husband spends time with his children, that's a HUGE mistake. There will be resentment built that will never go away if you do this. Your husband loves you... but he is also a father. Would you have married him if he didn't take care of his children? I wouldn't have. If he takes care of is children, I know that he will be caring towards my children too.
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Step 11
As you've heard before, pick your fights. There will be many of them, especially regarding money. Child support, extra medical expenses, health insurance, sports, clothes, on and on and on. It is VERY HARD to hand over child support, but it is not the childrens' fault. They deserve a father that takes care of them and loves them. You will not win that fight. If you have children, would you want your ex-husband to not pay child support?
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Step 12
Avoid confrontation, especially in front of the children. If you do not get along with the ex-wife, sit on the other side of the auditorium during the stepchild's concert! Avoid her at all costs. If your stepchild makes negative comments about their mother, respond with "Well, maybe she's having a bad day" or something benign.
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Step 13
It sometimes feels like the stepmom gets the bad end of the deal, but remember that your stepchildren will love and respect you if you treat them with love and respect. Be patient and persistent, even when you feel like you don't exist in the stepchildrens' eyes. How you act and who you are towards the stepchildren will be appreciated as long as you focus on your family, husband, and children and not on things you can't change.
