How to Be a Distant Relative

Do you want to be a distant relative? You know, the one in the family that no one ever gets to know as an adult or rarely sees. If so, you can do it easily. Hundreds of Americans find a way to make it happen each year. They lose touch with the ones they love and in the process gain the title of distant relative. Most of them can't really tell you how it happened, but a close examination of their lives makes it crystal clear.

Instructions

1. Get busy with your job. Make it your number one priority in life. Don't take time off from it to support family members in any way, especially in important events like weddings or funerals. Use your job as an excuse to be aloof and distant. Then, if anyone confronts you about it, get mad. After all, rising to the top of your career is more important than maintaining family relationships.

2. Don't return any phone calls. When you look at your phone and see that your mother or sister has called you for the third time in a month, ignore it. Instead, turn on the TV. Go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Act like communicating with them is unimportant. Make it a distant care. Don't worry. After a while, they will give up and quit calling you. Even the most caring relatives eventually do.

3. Move far away. Be sure it's to an area that will be hard for your relatives to travel to. Also, when you do, don't tell anyone. Make it hard for anyone one to find you and, if they do, act upset. Treat them like they are bothering you because they care. If they seem put off, you are well on your way to becoming a distant relative. The fact that you could care less that they spent so much time trying to locate and talk to you will eventually turn them away.

4. Refuse to visit anyone for the holidays. Whenever a relative invites you, make up an excuse as to why you can't make it. Even better, don't give an excuse at all. Just tell them no. Do this for a few years straight. After a while, your relatives won't ask as often because they know you won't come.

5. Hold onto old grudges. Be sure to bring them up every time a relative calls you. Argue your point each time and use them as a reason to stay away. Also, if you ever have an inkling of forgiveness, squash it. Why? Forgiving people rarely are successful at becoming distant relatives. So, you have to keep forgiveness from entering into your heart.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't watch a lot of family shows or movies. They'll make you feel guilty about being a distant relative.