How to Recognize Insecurities

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Interpersonal relationships are difficult at times because we do not recognize the underlying issues driving the other person. One of the biggest issues is insecurity. More people exhibit forms of insecurity than you would guess. Recognizing the insecurity can help you communicate better with the person. First, determine your own insecurities. Dealing with them will make you more able to determine insecurities in others.

Instructions

1. Ask yourself a few questions and answer them on paper. This is a lesson in learning about yourself but will also help later on in dealing with others. Be honest. Questions to ask yourself include: Do I constantly look for approval from more than one person? Do I believe I am always correct and argue for my point of view a lot? Do I shy away from contributing comments in meetings? Do I believe everyone else is smarter than I am? Do I believe everyone else is dumber than I am? Do I have to flaunt my intelligence? Do I constantly interrupt because I think my comments are more important than the other person's? Do I demand my own way at home to the exclusion of everyone else, including my spouse? Do I use violence at home to make my point? Do I drink or do drugs when life gets too difficult? Am I very critical of everyone? Do I fall apart when I am criticized?

2. Once you have answered these questions, ask yourself what changes you can make on your own. Some of these are issues that may require you join a group or seek professional help. A lot of them simply require stopping the behavior. Stopping yourself from being overcritical may not rid you of your underlying insecurity at first, but once you begin to look for the ways to praise another person, you will realize there is more good than bad in both others and yourself. In psychology courses, we are taught to look for the underlying cause of our flaws. Although we do need to resolve those issues, sometimes working on changing the behavior can work faster to get good results, both in our outward behavior to others and in understanding what brought us to behave this way in the first place. Putting blame on someone else for the way we behave does not change our behavior; it only gives us permission to excuse ourselves. Ultimately, not matter how we were raised or what tragedies occurred in our lifetime, we are responsible for our behavior and the choices we make. Take responsibility for your insecurities and work to change the behavior.If you fear contributing at meetings and you know the subject matter, contribute an idea or a comment. Start with one, but don't allow yourself to shrink away if the first idea is not accepted by others. No one is condemning you. Keep trying. Talking about your own intelligence or how high your IQ is does not endear you to others or earn you their respect. It makes you boring and viewed as either a braggart or a snob. Avoid conversations that lead you to discuss your intelligence. Put a rubber band on your wrist and every time you interrupt, snap it. Soon you will think before your speak. Allow the other person to finish her comments. While you are, really listen to what she is thinking instead of trying to think about your next sentence.

3. Realize that other people have some of the same insecurities. Your attitude should be compassionate. Don't feel superior because you are working on your weaknesses. If someone interrupts you and others, take him aside and kindly bring it to his attention. You might say you have noticed he is so excited about the subject, he forgot to allow people to complete their sentences before they speak. Suggest the rubber band idea to them. Tell them you once knew someone who used this technique to remind herself. Also, tell him you will help him by clearing your throat, but if it continues to the extreme you may have to say in front of the group something like, "Please allow me to finish."

4. For people who shrink or sit quietly in meetings, and those who may indicate to you they don't think of themselves as very smart, remind them of what they have accomplished. Even people who have moved up in your industry may feel others are smarter than they are and that they do not deserve to be where they are in the business. Compliment these people when they do a great job. In fact, compliment everyone who does a great job on special projects. We all need positive recognition.

5. For behaviors that involve violence toward others, inability to control anger and substance abuse, refer this person for counseling if you are a superior. Even in small employment situations, you are better off making a written referral for counseling before you fire a person. If the person fails to follow through, then you must take action to protect your other employees and customers. Violence should never be tolerated in the work environment. It should also not be tolerated at home. At home, you may have small children or teenagers who need protection from a spouse. If your spouse fails to get help, you must protect your children. Once you have witnessed violence driven by substance abuse, you will never again allow anyone you love to be around someone who abuses any substance. Give the person one opportunity to get help, then take permanent action. If you are a coworker, it is your obligation to turn in your coworker even if you are friends. You are putting other people's lives at risk if you do not take action. Substance abuse can include prescribed medications taken to excess.

Tips & Warnings

• Always be compassionate and understanding.

• Always use a gentle approach away from others the first time you address the situation. The one exception would be a person who has the potential for violent behavior.

• If violence may be directed at you, physically remove yourself from the situation.

• If someone is building anger toward someone else, get a superior involved.