How to Make Amends

Making amends means acknowledging that you've crossed a line with your friend, significant other, family member or even a casual acquaintance. That said, sometimes you may want to make amends even when you know in your heart you didn't do anything wrong. This is called maturity, and it's important for personal growth.

Instructions

1. Ask yourself if this is a relationship you want to maintain. While it's impossible to be nice all the time, we do need to try to be kind every day--and this means acknowledging those times when we cross the line. If you took a cheap shot at a friend or disrespected your mother, among other sins, you need to make amends.

2. Tell the person you betrayed or angered that you need to talk. They may or may not be ready for this. Don't push the issue, but try to gently prod them into talking with you. If you live far away from them, pick up the phone. Don't text them or do it on email. If they hang up on you, let it go for now. You can try again in a few weeks. If they hang up on you a second time, write them a letter--a handwritten letter.

3. Find a peaceful setting for your discussion, such as a patch of forest, a park or a beach. Natural beauty reminds us that we are imperfect and the natural rhythms of life require that we let insignificant conflicts go. Even the significant clashes must find a way to be turned around--if not for our friends' and family's sake, then for our own. Life is a bit shorter for those who harbor grudges.

4. Explain to your friend or family member that you are sorry you said or did what you did. They may or may not accept this. You may think they said or did something even worse. It doesn't matter. You must make amends for your part of the problem. Give your apology as you would a gift--without thought or expectation of anything in return.

5. Hug your friend or family member. He may reach out to you first. This is a good sign. He may be someone who doesn't apologize easily but will show you his love in other ways. Be open and receptive to that. Men struggle with apologies more than women do (typically). If he offers his time or a dinner out, these are signs that he's sorry.

Tips & Warnings

• Apologize even when the other party has also erred and even if you feel they are more at fault than you. Remember, there are always at least two ways to look at a situation, and from an objective point of view you both are likely at fault.

• Don't reach out too fast or too aggressively if you sense resistance on the other party's part--respond to their cues. Sometimes things need a while to settle before they are ready to be patched up. Some people burn hot and fast; others simmer far longer. Respect the difference.

Resources

• A book on making amends with a mother.