How to Set Boundaries With Friends

Friends may overstep boundaries when they expect more time or energy from you than you can give. We may sometimes fear losing our friends by taking back control of our time and energy; however, we can be the best we can be for our friends only when we take responsibility for our own needs for rest, quietness and peace. These simple steps can help give you the emotional fortitude and strength you need to create the set of standards you need to feel comfortable with your friends.

Instructions

1. Start with yourself. There is a principle in psychology that what we hate most about other people's behavior is what we actually hate most about ourselves. By acknowledging how we cross others' boundaries, we may come to understand how we have inadvertently given others the standards with which they've come to treat us.

2. Ask yourself some questions. How does your friend cross boundaries with you? Does he call too much? Does he criticize you? Does he stop by at the wrong time? Look at your own behavior and ask if you do any of the same things: Do you call even when I know it is a bad time? Do you act overly critical? Do you put your own needs ahead of your friend when you need to spend time with her? When you start to acknowledge where you've gone wrong in your own behavior, you can start to understand how you have set standards by which your friends treat you.

3. Ask yourself what standards you would like to create for yourself. Do you need to take back your time? Do you need more time alone? Plan a time every day where you don't answer the telephone, email or text message. If your friend complains, you can explain that you were busy. You don't owe her a full explanation. Everybody deserves to have time to herself. Give yourself permission to take 20 minutes to yourself every day. It will take your friends some getting used to, but after a week or two, add 20 more minutes to your alone time--no phone calls or emails. Keep adding alone time to your schedule in graduated 20-minute segments till you have the privacy time you need.

4. Be treated with respect. When your friend insults you, tell them immediately that you do not appreciate the way they are speaking with you. You are immediately letting them know that you are raising the standards with which you want to be treated. This will not only improve your own self esteem, but will also improve the way with which your children and other family members see that you are willing to be treated. Your friend may react in one of two ways. He may immediately apologize, or he may holler at you for defending yourself. If he does holler immediately cease communication until he apologizes. Do not retaliate with criticism. You do not deserve to be insulted.

5. Insists on your privacy. To build up your confidence in taking back your own deserved privacy, try not answering your door once a week when your too-often visitor stops by. Try this for a couple of weeks. When you are able to ignore the knocks at the door the first couple of weeks, try ignoring the visitor twice in one week. When you start to feel how good it is to take care of yourself, it will become easier to do so.

6. Notice the benefits. When you start taking care of yourself, you will notice some benefits. First, you will stop taking on other people's bad moods. It is easy to fall into a habit of getting stressed out over other people's issues when you don't take care of yourself. When you start taking care of yourself, you will feel better, and you will be better able to interact with your friends when you do interact with them. Keeping track of the positive actions you take towards creating your own boundaries will help you to remember why to took the actions to begin with, especially in the beginning when your friends are bound to react negatively to your self-protective behavior.

Tips & Warnings

• If your friend reacts with hostility to your attempts to set boundaries, then you know they were not concerned for your interests, and you are better off without them. If they react with violence in any way, you must cease contact with them, and call the police if necessary.