How to Survive Infidelity

It isn't just unhappy people who have affairs.

Infidelity is a cruel breach of the commitment two people make to each other. And, while it is possible for a relationship to survive an affair, it takes a long time to rebuild the trust. Processing a partner's infidelity is similar to the grieving process, as you mourn the passing of a person you thought you knew. Unfortunately, infidelity cannot be undone, and if you want to save your relationship learning to understand and come to terms with what has happened is crucial.

Instructions

1. Make it clear your partner should cut all contact with the other person. This includes destroying cell phone numbers and email addresses. You cannot begin to come to terms with your partner's infidelity if the other person is still in the background. If your partner sincerely wants a second chance, he will have no problem stopping contact.

2. Ask your partner questions, no matter how intimate or obsessive you believe they sound. According to relationship therapist Margery Silverton, in the aftermath of infidelity it is common for the betrayed person to want to know every minute detail. This helps you process the betrayal and is the first step to coming to terms with it. You also need to prepare yourself for hearing things you do not want to hear.

3. Listen to what your partner has to say. While there may be no logical explanation for his behavior, you need to address any reasons he gives for having the affair. Many people believe only unhappy people have affairs, however, around 56 percent of men who commit adultery say they are happily married, reports Dr. Beth Rogers-Doll. Listen to his apologies and decide for yourself if you think he is sincere.

4. Turn to people you trust for support, such as close friends or family members. Talking to someone other than your partner will relieve some of the pressure you feel. They can also reassure you what has happened is not your fault and you are right to feel the way you do.

5. Set boundaries. Make it clear to your partner that for your relationship to work you must both be completely honest with each other. According to Rogers-Doll, this means you both allow each other access to cell phones and email accounts. If he is interested in making your relationship work, he will recognize he has a lot of work to do to regain your trust.

6. Dr. Rita DeMaria recommends spending quality time together as a couple. Your relationship will never be the same as it was before your partner had an affair, so you both need to work toward building a new relationship. This involves getting to know each other again and reminding yourself why you fell in love in the first place.

Tips & Warnings

• Expect some resistance to your questions. This is not necessarily a sign of further guilt, but rather a misguided attempt at protecting you from the truth.

• Do not say you forgive your partner unless you mean it. It is not unusual to experience feelings of anger and betrayal many months after it has happened. Until you let go of these and other negative feelings, you will never forgive him fully.

References

• RCS Helping Couples; Surviving the Trauma of Infidelity; Margery Silverton
• Readers Digest Version; 15 Steps to Surviving an Affair; Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., et al.
• Agnesian Healthcare; Surviving Infidelity; Beth Rogers-Doll, Ph.D.