How to Support a Gay Friend Coming Out
As acceptance of gay people slowly increases, more and more people are coming out to their friends and family. There's almost no one who doesn't know and love someone is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, and many people will eventually have the experience of someone they love coming out. While this news can be shocking, if you want to maintain your friendship, it's important that you are able to overcome your initial judgments and continue to think of your friend as the same person--someone you love and care about and want to support.
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Instructions
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Listen carefully to what your friend has to say. This should be true of all your friends, all the time, but it can be exceptionally difficult to hear surprising news from your friend (for instance, that she is gay, bisexual, or transgendered) without rushing to judgment, either positive or negative. Let your friend express himself, and then share any thoughtful, caring words you have when she is done (see Resources for active listening tips).
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Believe your friend. One of the most common reactions to coming out is disbelief. This is unfortunate because someone has spent a lot of time thinking about their sexual or gender identity before sharing their conclusions with anyone else.
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Expect change. If your friend confides that she is transgendered she may ask you to start using a new name and new pronouns with her. Don't purposefully use your friend's old name, but know that it is okay if you occasionally slip up--everyone makes mistakes.
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Don't give up a friendship because you're shocked by the news. If you're really friends with this other person, you should be friends with all of her--not the part of her you can easily understand. Friends are more than a list of things we like in other people--they're people we care about no matter what.
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Keep the secret. If your friend has asked you not to share his sexual orientation or gender identity with others, you should respect that trust. If you're friend can trust you, she will continue to confide in you in the future, but may feel betrayed if you can't keep the news to yourself.
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Be there for your friend. The world is often not kind to gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people, especially young ones. If your friend needs someone to talk to about a rough day or a bad situation, listen attentively and then offer your support.
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Become an ally. Every non-LGBT person who supports LGBT people and their rights is an ally, but you can take more proactive steps. Stand up for your friend and his community if you hear homophobic or transphobic humor or abuse. Consider posting a rainbow or "ally" sticker in your business window or on your office door. This does not mean that you yourself are gay or that other people will assume you are--it does mean that your space is a safe space for all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. In addition to these tips, many schools and universities offer ally training; see Resources for more information on being an ally.
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Get involved. Join Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (see Resources below). PFFLG offers a lot of information and ideas for action specifically for people who care about members of the LGBT community. Through these and other actions (like voting to defend equality when it is threatened) you can support your friend and her community.
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Tips & Warnings
Be sensitive to your friend's needs. Especially if you're young and your friend hasn't come out to many (or any) people yet, he's going to need someone who can listen and be patient.
