How to Handle Betrayal

Betrayal is one of life's hardest blows. Mostly this is because when you trust, you tend to think that your trust in another defines all of their future actions. In other words, you assume that your faith in them gives you some measure of control over your own future. When you divorce due to infidelity, this is particularly bruising, because not only do you have all of the hurt and anger that is natural to such betrayal, but you berate yourself for ever believing in the spouse in the first place. Some even decide at this point, never to trust again. However, in the throes of a divorce, there is much that we can learn from betrayal. This article will show you how.

Difficulty:

Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need

• A willingness to self-reflect.

The Lessons of Betrayal

1. Looking back over an ended relationship is both difficult and inevitable. But instead of berating yourself, use this time to learn how to trust. For example, if he didn’t earn your trust, but you put your faith in him simply because you loved him, you were lying to yourself. The truth is that we don’t really trust other people, strange as that may seem. We trust our own internal clues enough to tell us whether or not to invest in another. You are not obligated to trust those that you love. And you are not obligated to trust someone just because other people do. Trust your own gut feelings. Trust feelings that tell you what you like and don’t like in an interaction. Trust your ability to see what is happening without denial.

2. Trust is also not a blank check for future happiness. We have all been taught that once you commit, you are supposed to take care of each other. And in some sense we do that. But in another sense each person in a relationship is still 100% responsible for his or her own happiness. So, the next step in recovering from betrayal is learning that even after you commit to someone, you must still tune in to your own intuitions and feelings in order to see what is true and false in a dynamic.

3. Releasing all guilt associated with your partner’s behavior is essential. If she told you that she cheated on you because you were not a good partner, she did not tell the truth. And you should not tell yourself this either. The responsibility lies 100% in the hands of the person who cheats. Your wife cheated because she needed, for whatever reason, to avoid looking at and dealing with her marriage. Even if, after assessing the situation, she’d decided to leave you that would have been better than cheating on you. So, give yourself a break. Don’t take responsibility for her choices.

4. But this step is the hardest. Here you have to learn to relinquish control. If you put your trust in a previous spouse because he said all the right things, and seemed to do all the right things right up until you caught him cheating, the question isn't necessarily one of misplaced trust, but one of surrender. In your grief process, through all of your sorrow and anger, what you can begin to learn is that there are no guarantees. While it is definitely possible to commit to someone for a lifetime, this does not mean that every commitment will turn out that way. So rethinking life’s guarantees on a fundamental level is essential at this stage.

5. In truth there is very little that we can expect of life. But there is much that can be joyfully received. Betrayal is very painful. But it is not the end of all joy for you. Letting go of external expectations for happiness means that you begin to trust your own internal paths to happiness. If you can learn to let go like this, you may come out of it stronger and even happier than ever! The best revenge, after all, is a good life.

Tips & Warnings

• If you find it too difficult to process through betrayal without intense overwhelming feelings, or if you feel like harming your self or someone else, you should seek professional help.

Resources

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