How to Get Out of a Verbally Abusive Relationship
Many people find themselves in verbally abusive relationships. They might question if verbal abuse is a good enough reason to leave a relationship. Because words do not leave marks on the body, you might fear that you do not have the right to get out. However, verbal abuse leaves its mark on your spirit and self esteem. Nobody has the right to damage either one.
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Instructions
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1
Recognize what verbal abuse is. Verbal abuse is when another person damages your spirit through his words. For example, your partner might call you a “fat cow” or “stupid.” That is not okay. Nobody has the right to demean you with words.
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2
Decide that you deserve to be treated with respect. Many people stay in verbally abusive relationships because they do not believe that they deserve to be treated better. Until you believe that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, you are going to continue finding yourself in verbally abusive relationships.
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3
Set emotional boundaries. You have taught your partner that it is okay for him to treat you this way. If you walked out every time he verbally abused you or imposed another type of consequence, then he would not still be verbally abusing you. Decide what things you are willing to allow another person to say to you.
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Lay down the law. Tell your partner that you will no longer tolerate the verbal abuse. The next time she verbally abuses you, you will leave the relationship. If your partner does not agree to these terms, then leave.
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Seek assistance with leaving, if needed. If you are afraid to leave a verbally abusive relationship, then get assistance from others, such as a friend or a clergyperson.
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Find a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people who have been verbally abused. A good therapist can help you understand why you are attracted to a person who would treat you this way and show you the way out of this cycle. Anyone who has been in a verbally abusive relationship can benefit from therapy.
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Tell yourself that you are a good person. Being verbally abused can undermine your self confidence. Tell yourself repeatedly that you are a good and precious person who deserves to be loved and treated with respect.
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Tips & Warnings
Try reciting a mantra of positive messages to yourself on a regular basis, such as, “I am a good person and deserve respect.”
Verbal abuse has the potential to escalate into other forms of abuse. If you suspect that your partner has the capacity to harm you physically, seek help from others, such as a battered women’s shelter, when you get out of a verbally abusive relationship.
- Photo Credit (c) Lynda Bernhardt
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Comments
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I think I was a "victim" before I recognized the problem as abuse. After I knew it was ABUSE, I wavered between feeling sorry for myself (victim) and feeling wrongfully attacked (target). Step one in this article, "Recognize What Verbal Abuse IS" becomes the key to beginning recovery from victim-hood. In essence, I recognize myself as a "victim" only when examining the years I spent NOT KNOWING I was being abused.
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A lot of times, there is more to just verbal abuse. The target (I don't use "victim") may already be fearful of the perpetrator. It might not only be verbal abuse, it usually isn't. If it was a matter of telling that person to stop, and leaving the room, or leaving the house, then I would've been long gone. But there's more to it than that. He made me fearful of him.
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Also, I disagree with the "moderately difficult" rating given to this article "How to Get Out of a Verbally Abusive Relationship." It is very difficult to extricate yourself from verbal abuse. After all, "sticks and stones", right? We should be able to overcome words, we should love unconditionally, we should forgive another's shortcomings. Once a victim recognizes s/he is verbally abused, there is often MUCH damage done. Verbal abuse is insidious. Most people don't know how to recognize it until it is late in the game. By then, the pattern of believing that you (the victim) is at fault is already set. If you're trying to leave, don't be fooled by the rating - what you're doing is extremely difficult, but you can triumph. You can leave.
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In the process of leaving my verbally abusive ex, I think steps number 2 and 7 were combined at step number 7. If I'd waited to believe I deserved to be treated with respect, then I wouldn't have moved on to "setting emotional boundaries". I was so deep into the abusive cycle that I thought I was the cause of our problems (brainwashed by him and myself!). I thought I was a horrible person, I thought I deserved what he dished out. However, deep inside, I knew something had to change. He didn't want to change, so that meant I had to do things differently. The different thing I did was step 3, setting emotional boundaries. Even though I did not believe I deserved that protection, I instinctively knew that allowing his words to penetrate my soul was killing me.
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Justyna Campbell
Feb 20, 2011
I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for the last ten years. I have three kids with this man. And i am at my last point in life with him. we have been together for ten years married for two. And i want out. how can a person get out when they have no place to go and no money,cause he wont give me any?
