How to Get Out of a Verbally Abusive Relationship

Many people find themselves in verbally abusive relationships. They might question if verbal abuse is a good enough reason to leave a relationship. Because words do not leave marks on the body, you might fear that you do not have the right to get out. However, verbal abuse leaves its mark on your spirit and self esteem. Nobody has the right to damage either one.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Recognize what verbal abuse is. Verbal abuse is when another person damages your spirit through his words. For example, your partner might call you a “fat cow” or “stupid.” That is not okay. Nobody has the right to demean you with words.

2. Decide that you deserve to be treated with respect. Many people stay in verbally abusive relationships because they do not believe that they deserve to be treated better. Until you believe that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, you are going to continue finding yourself in verbally abusive relationships.

3. Set emotional boundaries. You have taught your partner that it is okay for him to treat you this way. If you walked out every time he verbally abused you or imposed another type of consequence, then he would not still be verbally abusing you. Decide what things you are willing to allow another person to say to you.

4. Lay down the law. Tell your partner that you will no longer tolerate the verbal abuse. The next time she verbally abuses you, you will leave the relationship. If your partner does not agree to these terms, then leave.

5. Seek assistance with leaving, if needed. If you are afraid to leave a verbally abusive relationship, then get assistance from others, such as a friend or a clergyperson.

6. Find a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people who have been verbally abused. A good therapist can help you understand why you are attracted to a person who would treat you this way and show you the way out of this cycle. Anyone who has been in a verbally abusive relationship can benefit from therapy.

7. Tell yourself that you are a good person. Being verbally abused can undermine your self confidence. Tell yourself repeatedly that you are a good and precious person who deserves to be loved and treated with respect.

Tips & Warnings

• Try reciting a mantra of positive messages to yourself on a regular basis, such as, “I am a good person and deserve respect.”
• Verbal abuse has the potential to escalate into other forms of abuse. If you suspect that your partner has the capacity to harm you physically, seek help from others, such as a battered women’s shelter, when you get out of a verbally abusive relationship.

[MidniteWriter]

on 5/8/2009 Sometimes this is so subtle and verbal abuse can be just making crazy behavior and not necessarily put downs. A lot of it tends to be keeping the other person off balance. It is so hard to recognize and then once you do even harder to leave. Thanks for your tips!

[ebernshaw]

on 1/30/2009 If it hurts, its abuse! No one deserves ANY form of abuse,verbal or otherwise.Your comments re verbal abuse are right on, in every aspect. If mema246 above could follow your advice, hard as it is when we are involved, it would change her life. Many years ago, before I became a counselor, I was ignorant of these rules as I watched a mother victimized by abuse. If we are lucky...we may learn through guidance... if not, we may learn through pain. Thank you for your wisdom and clear advice to those who suffer & search for tools to finally say NO to abuse.

[FaithAllen]

on 12/5/2008 You deserve to be treated with respect.

Hang in there.

- Faith

[mema246]

on 11/28/2008 I really don't know is I deserve being verbally abused or not. Im to the point that I have so much stress that all I do is cry or stay so mad all the time that Im afraid of what I might do to this man, my grown son who lives with me also does it.
Im not a little passive person that just takes things.
I can fight back, but Im so beat down by these two.