How to address anger issues in relationships

This article is about analyzing anger in relationships, not only the anger in itself but how it grows and how things that shouldn't expand and aggravate it do, and in most cases cause more damage than the initial or ongoing incident itself.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• an open mind.
• willingness to resolve.
• the courage to stay the course.

1. 1. Remember that there is little difference between love and hate, but also remember it is a choice, and there are ways to resolve it and not only repair a relationship, but enrich it. Many people think acknowledging anger is the first step on the road to recovery, but in relationships especially in troubled marriages, the first step should always be the understanding that there will always be speed bumps. There will always be conflict. And failure to resolve the situation WITH that person could lead into ongoing pain, even if its cause is not fully recognized or understood. It is ongoing because between best friends, lovers, spouses, etc. there are always good times. These good times can become triggers to pain. Example: A spouse cheated on their partner, and even after the adulterous relationship ended, the former or separated spouse spots a place they went and had a great time with their former significant other, or they see a picture of them being happy together, while initially this can conjure a good memory, it will also follow a course to painful memories. Hence the unresolved issue can compound and lead further to pain and suffering.
2. 2. Now we go into acknowledging anger. First bear one thing in mind. In a situation involving anger in a relationship or marriage remember one thing. Going alone to friends, family, counselling can be the WORST thing you can do. While the above listed will lend a shoulder to cry on and give you some justification, it is a BIAS opinion 75%-90% of the time. This is because of context. They were not there, they didn't face the EXACT situation, and most of the time we don't tell the full truth. This is human nature, especially involving conflict. Remember it IS a conflict there are two sides or more, and each side believes they are right and competes for victory or resolution in favor of themselves. Likewise, it is impossible and unwise to render judgement or sound support when BOTH sides are not known nor learned first hand. We'll continue the example of the cheating spouse. A cheating spouse is discovered and the conflict of anger and egos begins. The antagonist or "Cheater", may seek justification for their action, initially they can, be it money problems, partners physical condition, or a malicious action taken. Now the Protagonist or the one cheated on finds out, this stimulates a radical and essentially a tempest of emotions and thoughts reigning from Anger, Rage, Depression, Suicide, possible and most likely illogical ways to repair a relationship. It is difficult now, but this is the easiest time to heal. The Anger begins and while intense is not seeded, it has not had time to developed or cultivate.
3. 3. So we've acknowledged the anger, we know its there and we know its a problem and source of stress. What do we do? Well we DONT shut it out. We don't take time and we don't hide. We attack it head on. Why? simple. Problems don't cure themselves in relationships, and while giving up may seem easier, in the long run it can cause problems and conditions that while subliminal and not fully recognized can lead to consistent uncured series of lapses.
   Now, how do we attack and fight anger and resolves differences. First step should always and only be sitting down and discussing it. Not only talking about what happened, why it happened and how all parties felt, but also how it can be resolved in a supporting and UNIFIED nature. I cannot emphasize UNIFIED enough, remember relationships from best friends to spouses are worth their weight in gold and not cheap things, there are challenges but they are not bad things, they are times in which the relationship grows like a muscle. it is torn apart only to regrowth and come through stronger. So you must communicate, and never ever provide ultimatums or demands. Address the issues and determine how TOGETHER your going to make them right. Lets roll with our scenario in the example: The Cheater talks to the Cheated, and explains they are simply not attracted to or fulfilled by the love they have wounded, say for reason the "cheated" has had trouble with money lately and is not in prime physical condition. Well these are not GOOD reasons to attack and seek another. But what can be done. Well say the person is not making good enough money because of depression. Sometimes there are wounds that cannot simply be sucked up and brushed off, mental and emotional wounds are some of them. What can the spouse do to be more supportive? Perhaps have a romantic night a week, or be more loving, supportive, or affectionate. Make the effort. Now for physical condition, perhaps a joint gym membership and doing activities together. Point is there is always ideas to come together and fix a problem.
4. 3b. As I mentioned earlier the worst thing you can do is seek BIAS advice. If you must rely on an outward source then seek a professional that you both see at the exact same time together, these people are good, but only if you give them accurate tools.
5. 4. Follow through. Ok we've communicated and have a plan of action. Now you must commit to it. And remain steadfast. Do not waiver. Remember that actions that are encouraging are far more effective than a kick in the ass or ignorance. But don't allow yourself to be convinced all is lost. And never take the road of a quitter or hater. These paths are negative and negative things never fulfill into positive things.

Tips & Warnings

• Remember It is never to late to correct a mistake, If you are at a point were it has been years since the conflict, Its not to late, even if there is hate. Bear in mind what you experience may not be hate or anger when thinking about someone or hearing from them, it may be love. Because these are the two most complex emotions we have, and there is only a microscopic minute difference between the two. It never hurts to fix things or give things another chance, worse case you make peace. And there can be a healthy resolution.
• Give it a chance, it is often very difficult but at the same time it is the "road least traveled by" and it can and will make the greatest difference in the road to not only self recovery, but the relationships recovery.
• Take this article with an open mind, it may help you it may not. And all people have opinions. If you examine these steps they are productive and logical. And will go far in mending a relationship.
• Never approach a source of support alone or biasly. Many times people seek advice and support from others of the same gender or family, but you cannot see it as accurate or sound. These people by design are only there to tell you your right and comfort you and make you feel better. So it is not knowledgeable or educated advice no matter what. Seek a professional WITH your partner and never alone. Professionals work best when they have both perspectives and are neutral.
• Never delude yourself. Sometimes when people try to fix a situation we developed and reinforce the idea we were right, and that person is wrong. Even to the point of accusing them of being the antagonist. Remember you loved this person once and clearly they feel the same, so engage in the steps to make peace or even better mend the relationship not only to its former self in good times but stronger than before. And never ever try to justify your actions with that of being a victim. YOU WERE THE AGRESSOR, you are the one who initiated the harm, don't fool yourself into becoming the protagonist or the innocent one. Your anger made the mess, now you clean it up. Because if you don't you run the risk of this happening again or becoming desensitized and a more shallow and worse person. It is the initial victims choice if reconciliation is possible, if they forgive and try, don't shove away.
• This is article is an opinion based off of extensive experience with positive results and a unique understanding of the Antagonists view and the Protagonists feelings. Please take it into consideration.