How to Help a Grieving Friend and Offer Condolences

When someone we care about loses a loved one, it can be a painful and awkward time for everyone involved. Many people feel at a loss of what to do or say and are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. This guide will help you be the support that your friend needs during a terrible time in their lives.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Patience
• Caring

1. During the immediate time of the loss, it is important to gently let your friend know you are there to support them. If they have been with the loved one at a hospital, dropping by food and magazines, fresh clothes, toiletries and other needs will show support even if they choose not to use them. You can stop by and offer to take the person to the cafeteria for coffee just to give them a break.
2. Immediately after a person's death, there are many details that must be handled and they can quickly overwhelm the grieving person. Offering to stay with children, bringing food, cleaning the house, bringing in the mail, handling phone calls and doing laundry can take some of the strain off of your friend. You can offer to accompany them to the funeral home or to help write a memorial.
3. You can offer to make phone calls or send emails to friends who haven't yet heard the news so that the bereaved doesn't have to repeat the same story over and over again.
4. There is no right way to grieve. Your friend may be strangely upbeat, moody, angry, or they may sleep all the time. Don't bother saying that you know how they feel or that you feel badly for them. Sometimes silence and waiting for them to speak is better. When you are the one grieving, you cannot relate to other people or imagine that anyone has felt your pain before. They may wish to be alone or they may not want to be alone at all even if they aren't interacting with you. Ask them.
5. While they may not use them immediately, there are many books on grief and healing available. Purchasing a book of prayers, or grief book, a journal and some pens may help them later during that terrible alone time.
6. Do not forget them. After the immediateness of a death has worn off for us, the person who is feeling the loss is still grieving and in pain. As the calls and visits taper off, it can be a lonely time. Make an effort to invite them to lunch once a week, even if they decline all the time. Make sure to call or visit. Let them know that you are still there for them and you have not forgotten what they are going through.
7. Don't pretend it didn't happen. One of the greatest fears of the grieving person is that the memory of their special someone will disappear and it will seem as though they never existed. Remember special times, funny times and happy times with your friend. Don't be afraid to mention the person. Encourage them to tell you stories and share photos if they want to.
8. Grief takes different amounts of time for different people. While it may seem that your friend recovered quickly or hasn't recovered at all, it isn't your place to judge. Never tell someone it is time to move on. Grief takes its own time. Your friend may make bad decisions, get involved in romantic flings or other activities that seem inappropriate or unusual for them. They are trying to avoid the painful feelings of loss. Support them and let them know you care without judging.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't bring flowers to the hospital. Many wards don't allow them in because of allergies.
• Do write down your memories of the loved one to share with the grieving person later.
• Do not take offense or take personally what someone does or says during a time of grief.
• Helping with household tasks, pets, children and day to day errands will help the most, even if it seems unappreciated.