How to Get Fired in Style

There comes a time in most people's careers when we realize it simply isn't working out. It could be this one job, or it could be a series of a job, and we need a serious life adjustment. You'd like to quit, but you don't have anything lined up and need to collect unemployment. So, you need to get fired. But slacking and waiting it out isn't an option because your coworkers, who might also be your friends, will have to pick up the slack. So, you have to get fired in one fell swoop, not gradually. And, you'll need to do in style.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. If you're a man, don't shave for two or three days, if possible. If you can only manage one, so be it.
2. Show up late. The day you plan on getting fired, show up around 11 a.m.
3. Underdress. Sandals and shorts are a good idea. If you have an old, tattered Van Halen '88 Monster of Rock tour t-shirt, littered with holes, wear that.
4. Overtly do nothing. Start conversations with people, surf the Internet, pace back and forth, or draw.
5. Approach the most attractive member of the opposite sex and say, "I'd really like to listen to Van Halen with you some time." Everyone in the vicinity should be able to hear you.
6. Stand up and announce: "Fascism is not defined by the number of its victims, but by the way it kills them." You should be yelling by now.
7. When you're boss approaches to ask what's going on with you, respond with, "You want me to be practical. But practicality is merely the safest inroad to convenience." And then go back to playing Tetris.
8. He'll ask to have a word alone with you at this point. When he heads in one direction, expecting you to follow, get up and walk in the opposite direction.
9. At this point, you're going to be fired. When you are, stand on your desk and shout to the ceiling: "Well, the tragedy is over. The failure is complete. I turn my head and go away. I took my share in this fight for the impossible."

Tips & Warnings

• When possible, substitute the Van Halen tee with a Gwar t-shirt. Make appropriate changes to your pickup line, as well.
• If you pull this off, the whole thing will take less than two hours. And you probably will get to listen to Van Halen with that person.
• Never seem nervous during this. In order to have style when getting fired, you have to appear bigger than the system. If you seem nervous, achieving that air of confidence is an impossibility.
• Avoid doing anything illegal. That will go on your record. If you're trying to get another job, and the above scenario is recounted, the prospective employer will likely think your previous employer has a personal vendetta. They won't believe it.

Who Can Help:

• Learn more today about America's leading online University
• Flexible Scheduling, Online Programs, Get Info Now