How to Interact With Dysfunctional Family After Becoming Functional

As you become a more functional person, you will find it much harder to spend time around people who are not functional.

When a person grows up in a dysfunctional family, the dysfunction feels "normal" because that is all the person has ever known. As long as the person stays dysfunctional himself, he might not like his family, but he feels comfortable in the dysfunction. However, if the person enters therapy and makes significant changes in his life, he might find that spending time with dysfunctional family members is more difficult. As you become a more functional person, you will find it much harder to spend time around people who are not functional. You will find yourself gravitating toward more functional friends, and your dysfunctional relationships will become more distant. Here is how to interact with dysfunctional family members after becoming functional.

Difficulty:

Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Set relationship boundaries. One common characteristic of dysfunctional families is a lack of relationship boundaries. Because you likely grew up with a lack of boundaries, being in this environment again can feel comfortable even while it is frustrating. Before you spend time with dysfunctional family members, decide what your boundaries are.

2. Enforce relationship boundaries. Decide what steps you will take to enforce your relationship boundaries (such as telling your family members to stop certain behaviors), and follow through with those steps whenever your dysfunctional family members try to cross your boundaries. Because your dysfunctional family members are used to violating your boundaries, you will need to stay very firm with your family members until they respect that new rules are in place.

3. Accept that your dysfunctional family members have limitations. While you have worked hard to become a more functional person, your family members have not. It is not reasonable to expect them to behave as a functional person would. However, that does not mean that they can treat you any way that they want. Enforce your boundaries while, at the same time, limiting your expectations about how your dysfunctional family members will behave.

4. Brainstorm ways to make visits more bearable. For example, if you have a family member who is constantly worrying, take a guess about how many times she will begin a sentence with, "I am worried that..." and then count the instances to see how close your estimate was. Give yourself something else to focus on other than the dysfunction itself.

5. Detach yourself from the family emotionally. Try not to get caught up in the family drama. Remind yourself that you do not have to go along for the ride when your dysfunctional family members create the next drama. Find a way to pity them rather than feel compelled to get involved.

6. Be kind to yourself. Being around dysfunctional people can be emotionally draining. Do something kind for yourself as a reward for surviving the visit. Cutting an unpleasant visit short is a good way to be kind to yourself.

7. Celebrate the changes in yourself. Nothing drives home how far you have come like spending time with people who are still where you used to be. Celebrate the hard work you have done to become a more functional human being.

Tips & Warnings

• Humor can be a great way to get through a visit with dysfunctional family members. Try imagining taking a drink out of a shot glass each time a dysfunctional family member does something annoying and think about how drunk you would be if you had actually drunk the shots. Run things through your head that make the dysfunction amusing rather than annoying or painful.