How to communicate effectively with your husband or wife to save your marriage

Within any personal relationship disagreements will arise from time to time. Whether the issue is petty or serious is irrelevant. How you and your spouse respond to and resolve the conflict will make or shake the foundations of your marriage.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• Patience
• Time
• Understanding
• Empathy

1. Family commitments and long hours at the office may leave you feeling as though your spouse is a ship passing in the night. Each day pencil some couple-time into your schedule to encourage regular communication with your spouse. This will prevent you growing apart or stranger-like which can bring about the end of your relationship.
2. Whether just chatting or finding a solution to a problem do so in a quiet place that is free from distractions. Turn off the TV or radio and find an activity for the kids. Giving your partner your full attention is essential as it will allow you to focus on their thoughts and show them the respect they deserve.
3. Work on your listening skills and avoid interrupting your partner. Give them your full attention rather than second-guessing what they will say or working on your response while they're still speaking. Maintain good eye contact and listen with an open mind. Listen to not only your spouse's words but their feelings as well. What is spoken is just as important as what is not spoken such as facial gestures, body language and tone of voice.
4. When speaking to your partner, choose your words carefully to avoid being misunderstood. Think about the connotations of the words. You might say your partner has a 'laid back' or 'complacent' attitude which might be understood as lazy.
   
   Always ask for clarification if you are unclear on what has been said. If necessary, ask for examples. Be willing to do the same in return.
5. Try to detach your emotions from the conversation. In times of strain these will be heightened which could lead to further conflict as you will be hypersensitive to remarks.
6. If you are particularly upset about an issue it is always a good idea to vent out your frustration on paper before approaching your partner with it. This will allow you to release any negative emotions carefully as well as enabling you to present your issue rationally and logically.
7. Rather than focus on the negatives highlight the positives. Instead of saying "This house is always a mess", perhaps take a proactive and positive approach by saying "This house is always a mess but I'm sure we can work out a way of getting it in order."
8. Winning isn't everything. While you may have 'won' the argument, has it been resolved forever? Looking at arguments as won and lost can lead to one or both parties harboring resentment in the long-term. Instead realise that true success is found from resolution, teamwork and compromise.
9. Avoid bringing up past conflicts as they are of little or no concern to the present. Ideally you should only deal with one conflict at a time.
10. Treat your partner as you wish to be treated. Show consideration and respect for your spouse by avoiding ridicule, sarcasm, teasing or making comments knowing that they will wound.
11. Speak honestly and from the heart. Opening up with your partner will improve communication as well as allow you to live free from secrets and resentment. Unless your husband or wife is a professional psychic they won't know what thoughts are bouncing about in your head. Your partner won't know what it is you're feeling or wanting unless you spell it out for them.
12. Avoid disrupting communication by putting an end to over the top displays. Crying, shouting or storming out will only delay resolution. If you feel the need to withdrawl express why to your partner in a controlled fashion. One solution could be to ask your partner if they wouldn't mind joining you for a quick walk. The fresh air and change of scenery will cool your mood and the exercise will release some of your adrenalin.
13. Realise it takes two of you to make a bad marriage and two of you to make a great one. Rather than playing the 'blame' game with your partner and finding fault with them look for how the two of you can resolve the situation.
14. Learn to say 'I am sorry'. These 3 words can be some of the hardest to say but they are essential to your marriage vocabulary.
15. Never go to sleep on a conflict. Letting an argument drag on for days, weeks or months can't do anything but enflame the problem. While you won't be able solve every problem in a day at least go to bed knowing that you're on the road to resolution.
16. If all else fails consider visiting a marriage counsellor for further help.