How to Use Active Listening Skills to Have a Difficult Conversation

If you avoid having difficult conversations for any reason, you're missing an opportunity to communicate and solve problems at an early stage before they can fester. Avoiding difficult conversations can cost you relationships and promotions. Here is an approach that will help you navigate through uncomfortable dialogues.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. Mentally prepare before you approach the other person. Your goal is not to "win." Your goal is to learn the other person's story and share information. When you do this, you can express your feelings and views in a way that will be heard. This helps create a feeling of safety among both parties, which fosters problem-solving.
2. Choose a time to talk when you can be free of distractions. Don't stare at a TV or computer screen while the other person is talking. Encourage the other person to share his story.
3. Restate what the other person is telling you, paraphrasing rather than parroting. This lets the speaker know she has been heard and gives her the opportunity to correct misunderstandings.
4. Reflect what the other person is saying about their feelings. For example, you might say something like "It sounds like you were really upset when . . ."
5. Ask questions to a gain a greater understanding of this person's story. Use questions that can't be answered with a simple yes or no, unless you need specifics.
6. Use the word "and" rather than "but." This allows you to accept both sides, rather than rejecting the other person's story.
7. Use "I" statements when expressing your feelings. This helps keep the focus on the problem, not the person.
8. If you or the other person is becoming too upset or angry, it may be time to disengage. You might say something like "I can see we are both becoming upset. Let's continue this conversation at another time." Then leave.

Tips & Warnings

• Remember that silences in the conversation are okay. Silences can give you both time to think and diffuse tension.
• Maintain an open, calm demeanor and gentle eye contact. Avoid gestures, such as crossing your arms or rolling your eyes, which can suggest defensiveness or closed-mindedness.
• Take the quiz at the Have the Talk America website to learn more about your communication patterns. Your results may surprise you! With your quiz results you will get suggestions on how to communicate more effectively.
• Avoid telling the other person what do. Don't patronize or interrupt the other speaker, or communication may stop.