How to Date When You're on a Tight Budget

So here’s the deal: that hottie on the morning-to-noon shift at Starbucks has finally agreed to go out with you, but you have less cash on hand than a racecourse tout after a failed trifecta (and let’s not even talk about your credit-card limit). How do you treat her to a fun first date without a) asking her to pay for dinner or b) revealing that you’re three months behind on your electric bill?

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Don’t be too honest. Sure, you’ve been flirting for months, but a first date is still “first impression” territory—so if you ‘fess up to a complete lack of funds she’s likely to think “LOSER” in big glowing neon letters. Odds are she already knows you’re relatively impoverished, so if she’s kind, she’ll agree to a quick meal at Taco Bell—and if she’s not, she’ll want to go to a real restaurant with, you know, tablecloths and silverware.
2. Scour the web for free events. Poetry slams are greatly underrated as dating venues; where else can you score a comfy seat, fill up on free wine and cheese, and enjoy gales of laughter at the expense of pimply, dour MFA wannabes? The same goes for open-mike nights at twee coffeehouses frequented by aspiring singer-songwriters and outdoor installations of barbed-wire art. With any luck, you’ll save money while burnishing your hipster credentials in your beloved’s eyes.
3. Invite her home for dinner. As a first-date maneuver, this is a bit forward—but if she lets her guard down, she’ll be touched (and more than a bit amused) by your efforts to whip up a bowl of fettucini alfredo, thinking you’re trying to impress her in a sweet, bumbling way when in fact you don’t have nearly enough dough to buy the real article. (Note for beginners: it helps if you own more than one knife and fork.)
4. Borrow some money. If you can’t scratch up the cash for a proper date, odds are you live in a Bohemian garrett with three or four roommates. This is where the inviting-her-home-for-dinner maneuver pays off: while she’s examining that oddly shaped dust bunny under the TV set, ask your roomies for funds, threatening a long, leisurely, and loud evening if they don’t cough up. You’ll be surprised how quickly they cooperate, meaning you can take her out to a movie or (if your friends really want to get rid of you for as long as possible) an after-hours club.