How to Road Rage Efficiently

Road rage is a growing problem in society today--but mostly because people don't know how to do it correctly. By following these simple steps, you can quickly and efficiently give terrible drivers what's coming to them.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• A car
• A chip on your shoulder

1. Memorize the most common "jerk-mobiles":
   • Cadillac Escalade
   • Chevy Corvette
   • Chrysler 300
   • Dodge Magnum
   • Ford Mustang
   • Honda CRX
   • Pontiac Trans Am
   • A Hummer
   • A Ferrari, Lamborghini or other ludicrously expensive sports car
   • Any make of jeep
   • A motorcycle that doesn't have a sidecar
   • Anything with dealer plates
   • Anything that looks like it was driven in "The Fast and the Furious"

2. Be extra wary when you spot a jerk-mobile. They tend to cut you off, change lanes without signaling and otherwise drive like vermin.

3. Remember the Golden Rule of Road Rage: "Do unto others as they just did unto you."

4. Chew gum. You never know when you'll need ammunition.

5. Realize that those who don't signal must be taken down a notch.

6. Practice steering with your knees so that your fists are free to shake mercilessly at offending vehicles.

7. Learn to assess other drivers' propensity for violence based on the amount of crazy in their eyes or hair. Act accordingly.

8. "Pimp your ride" with retractable flamethrowers.

9. Keep your eyes on the road. And if you don't, at least make good use of your eyes by glaring at someone until their soul implodes.

10. Shop at police auctions for used spike strips. Make sure they're still sharp!

11. Feel free to run off the road any vehicle with an overly smug bumper sticker, a self-congratulatory vanity plate or a bootleg Calvin & Hobbs window decal.

[amandaford]

on 12/15/2007 I once had a boss who drove a Hummer. I didn't like him. I wanted to slash his tires. I didn't have the courage.

When people cut me off or honk or otherwise act like jackasses, I flash them the Peace fingers. This seems to annoy road ragers more than any waving fist ever could.

I'll see you on the road, Bruceleroy!