How to End Dependency on Abusive Parent After Child Abuse

Many adult survivors of child abuse stay dependent upon their abusive parents into adulthood. In some cases, the dependency is financial. In others, the dependency is emotional. Often, both forms of dependency exist. Some victims of child abuse, particularly those who suffered from mother-daughter sexual abuse or ritual abuse, find themselves unable to function in the world without their abuser's help. This keeps the child abuse survivor "wed" to her abuser, which maintains her silence about the abuse and prevents the child abuse survivor from healing her emotional wounds. This dependency is another form of child abuse that continues into adulthood until the child abuse survivor breaks away from the abusive parent. Here is how to end dependency on an abusive parent after child abuse.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Recognize your dependency upon your abusive parent. Facing painful truths about your life is an unpleasant but necessary part of healing from child abuse. Until you acknowledge your dependency upon your abusive parent, you will be unable to break away.

2. Decide that you want to end the dependency. People often find comfort in doing what they have always done. If you have always been dependent upon your abuser for emotional or financial support, your dependency might feel normal, even though other people in your life do not have a similar relationship with their parents. Until you make the choice that you want to end the dependency, you will stay dependent upon your abusive parent.

3. Brainstorm ideas for ending your dependency upon your abusive parent. Compile a list of options, such as joining the military or applying for a job that provides free housing. Solicit input from your therapist and trusted friends to add to your list. Include all ideas, even if they sound far-fetched. Be sure to include moving away on the list.

4. Narrow down your options. Analyze each option, and rank the feasibility of following through with each one.

5. Tell yourself repeatedly that you can break away. Most people who fail to break away lose the war in their own minds. They tell themselves that they will fail, so they never build up the courage to try.

6. Take action. Choose one or more of the options on your list, and jump out in faith. Give yourself the chance to succeed.

Tips & Warnings

• Even if your first attempt does not work, do not give up. Keep trying to become self-sufficient until you succeed.
• Celebrate your attempts regardless of the outcome. Each attempt to break away will give you more courage to try again.
• Finding a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people with your abuse history is an important part of healing from child abuse. Your therapist can help you evaluate the options and create an action plan for breaking away from your dependency upon your abusive parent.
• Your abusive parent wants to keep you dependent, so do not listen to his negativity. You are an adult, and you deserve to live a life freed from dependency upon your abusive parent.

[linda10003]

on 9/13/2009

I've tried unsuccessfully to move out of my abusive parents' twice in my life time but couldn't maintain a steady job so I moved back home. I'm almost 40 and still live at my parents' home. My mother was emotionally and, at times, physically abusive towards me since I was very little. My father molested me as a child. We co-exist under the same roof but I go about my business and ignore most everything else, or at least I try.

I've been in therapy for many years and have been on antidepressants for many years, and all it does is make me numb. I've only begun to face and accept the fact that I'm scared of not succeeding on my own and, secondly, I crave the emotional attention that I was getting from my parents that I didn't before. I only wish I did something about this sooner, like while the abusive was happening and not to have paid so much attention the fact that I was scar...

[xxmandyx91xx]

on 7/31/2009 Reading about how people are put through these things makes me truly cry. My boyfriend has suffered severe abuse at the hands of his mother all of his life, even now into adulthood. He can't get away because he doesn't have the finances and she controls him so much, he can't get a job or even get his license. You don't know how hard it is to get away from someone like that, who is truly crazy.
If you know someone close to you going through anything like this, try doing what I'm doing: Let them move in with you until they can get back on their feet. I'm trying to find a place to live for me and my boyfriend right now.
Realize that they really need help right now. They could use your help. If you can't, try to get someone else to. And always, always, talk to them and help them. Give them advice.

[regainingmylife]

on 6/9/2009 im so grateful to have come across this article. i have been emotionally, physically, mentally, and verbally abused by my mother and i was feeling really down and about because i could figure out why i couldn't break away from her. but i realized that it was all i knew and like Night stated my mother never taught me to be independent but always bashes me for not being that way. But im glad that you Night know that sometimes a dependent adult is not always just someone who's a moocher or not strong, but someone who needs help breaking free from abuse.

[Nightwishfan]

on 9/14/2008 I wanted to add that being scared to function on your own is one of the MAIN reasons why so many people don't leave abusive relationships..They feel as if they need the abuser to help them.

[Nightwishfan]

on 9/14/2008 Excellent article. Sadly, most people don't understand when an adult is still dependent on their parent and blame the adult for not being "strong enough to put their foot down", but what if the abusive parent never taught their kids independence and the confidence to survive on their own? Abusers feed off of their victim's dependence and low sel-esteem.