How to Advise a Mother That has Unruly Children
When a mother whose children are out of control asks for help, the advice you give can be of such importance that it becomes the foundation upon which she builds a strong, positive relationship between her and her children. Poor advice can make a bad situation worse. Thus how you go about giving advice as well as the actual advice itself must be carefully considered.
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Instructions
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Approach the subject with compassion. Express your understanding that parenting is difficult.
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Let the mother know that a child's behavior often reflects his environment; children copy what they see and hear.
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Tell the mother that it is quite normal to react negatively to a child who is being unruly and that such reaction won't stop the child from repeating the behavior. Let her know that a change in what she does during these times will result in the child changing.
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Suggest to the mother to substitute a calm reaction or no reaction in the place of her former negative reactions. Give her an example of how she can make use of this advice, such as remaining calm instead of yelling at the child when he starts running around the store. Tell her she may want to step in front of him, face him and quietly state that he is to walk alongside her.
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Suggest to the mother that if she calmly tells her child what change of behavior she wants from him and he disobeys, she can once more get his attention and calmly repeat what she wants him to do. Tell her that she also may want to inform him quietly what the consequences will be if he doesn't do as she requests. Tell her one consequence might be that they will leave the store and go to the car, where she and her son will sit until he is ready to mind. Tell her it is important that she follows through with what she says and that she remains calm.
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Tell the mother that the child is likely to test her new behavior by suddenly going back to the unruly action at some point later on and that it is important she remain consistent in her new response. Mention to her that the unruly child, finding that his behavior has not gotten the expected reaction, will become better behaved over a period of time.
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Advise the mother that sometimes children are unruly because they have unmet needs. Ask her to consider whether the following needs are regularly met: a safe environment, regular mealtimes and bedtimes that allow the children to get 10 to 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
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Tell her each child has a need for her undivided attention, even if only for a few minutes daily, and suggest that she share time with each one in a positive way.
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Advise the mother that all children need their parents to set boundaries and rules that are applied fairly and are consistently reinforced. Advise the mother that she needs to do what she says she will do so that the children know she means what she says.
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Tell the mother that encouragement is helpful to a child, and that reinforcing positive behavior with words of genuine appreciation or praise will lessen negative behavior.
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Let the mother know that sometimes children are unruly because they have a medical problem or undiagnosed disability of some sort and that sometimes a child does not understand what he did that was wrong. Suggest that she ask the child, once he is calm, why he was in trouble; and if he doesn't know, she may want to counsel with a doctor or psychiatrist.
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