How to go Cow Tipping

When you live in the middle of nowhere, sometimes cow tipping is the only fun activity you can find. Even if you don’t actually tip a cow, you’ll remember how exciting the experience was for many years to come. (Animal lovers: Don't worry, it's impossible to tip a cow- but it's fun to run around a cow pasture at night and try to get close to one.)

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Boots that can be hosed off
• 2-3 adventurous friends
• A pasture with cows in it (preferably dairy cows)
• A flashlight
• OPTIONAL:
• Black clothing
• Wire cutters
• A dependable getaway vehicle

1. Choose a pasture; a dairy cow pasture is best, because those cows will let you get the closest to them. During the day, choose your entry point into the pasture. This will be a place you can make a quick getaway without being seen. You’ll most likely want to choose a gate or wooden fence to climb over. Otherwise, your wire cutters will come in handy for cutting through a wire fence. (Don’t touch or cut the fence if it is buzzing! That’s an electric fence.)

2. Return with your friends after dark. If you have to drive to this location, park your vehicle in a position that will optimize a quick getaway. (Wear dark clothing if you want to be extra stealthy.)

3. Weave your way through the cow pasture to the nearest unsuspecting and isolated cow by travelling downwind. Don’t walk upright, either; stay hunkered down. This way, the cows won’t see you and the farmer’s bullets are more likely to miss you, should you get caught. Stepping in cow patties is expected, but be careful not to fall into them!

4. Beam the flashlight quickly into the cow’s eyes; if she doesn’t react, it means she’s sleeping. If she does react, find another cow. (I say "she" because you don't want to be anywhere near a bull. Remember: If there’s an udder, no need to shudder. If it’s a steer, you better stay clear. Also stay away from mama cows who have their babies close by.)

5. Time to tip the cow. Creep towards it and then have everyone place both of their hands against one side. Count to three, and push the cow in one hard but steady stroke.

6. Now RUN! It might be hard to run while you’re giggling and avoiding cow pies, but you and your friends will want to fall back to a safer place so that the cranky cow (or the crabby farmer) won’t know where to look for you.

7. If you feel the burning desire to tip some more cows, go back to Step 3 and repeat- until you’ve either tired yourself out or you’ve started a stampede that’s sure to wake the farmer (which is also part of the fun).

8. When bragging about this experience later to other friends, be sure to embellish. Include the part about the cows’ “glowing, blood red eyes” and how you outran a six foot bull that chased you all over the pasture. This is an integral part of cow-tipping, since it’s a bold thing to do in the first place.

Tips & Warnings

• Always make sure that you have a clear exit out of the pasture.
• Veterinarians and farmers all know that you actually can't tip a cow; they weight several tons and are pretty wide; upon added pressure, they simply shift their weight.
• Cows don't sleep standing up! According to Dr. Katie Barnes, "Cows, unlike horses, cannot sleep standing up. Horses have what is called the passive stay apparatus composed of modifications of their ligaments, muscles and bone which essentially locks their limbs into a semi-rigid state and allows them to doze upright. Cattle do not have this passive stay appparatus, therefore they cannot sleep even the slightest bit upright, ergo cow tipping is not even possible. "
• Many people would advocate that drinking beer on this adventure makes it much more enjoyable.
• There are a wide variety of internet and computer games that simulate cow-tipping, many of which come with realistic sounds. These games are much safer than cow tipping, often more fun, and obviously, much more legal.
• You probably don't want to go cow-tipping unless they're your cows on your property; many farmers are known to shoot on sight.
• If you go cow tipping on someone else's property, you're also in risk of being apprehended for trespassing and you may find yourself charged with animal cruelty.
• Since it's impossible to tip adult cows, don't try to tip baby cows: the mother WILL come after you.
• If you involve alcohol in this adventure, be aware of the consequences and dangers.
• Cows can simply be dangerous to be around, especially if the stampede comes your way. They're heavy and can break your foot (or other body part) if they step on you. If one charges you and hits you, it would be like getting hit with a moving vehicle.