Things You'll Need:
- A desire to learn and grow
- The willingness to look at one's self
- Ability to analyze another person's possible perspective(s)
- A true desire to follow-through with patience
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Step 1
REALIZE THAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE OTHERS. Although it is true that you cannot change other people, it is true that you may be able to influence them. The only way to do that is by changing things that you do or say, which they can in turn react to.
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Step 2
WHAT IS IT THAT BOTHERS YOU AND WHY. Sometimes we cannot get along with someone or we do not like certain choices that someone makes. We often go along with our own emotions meanwhile skipping over a crucial step.
It is very important to examine WHY you are bothered by (fill in the blank here). Is it due to a fear or a concern for someone's well being? Or is there a deeper reason masked by the one you thought was the only reason? Is there something for you to lose or gain? Sometimes there are hidden reasons that we ourselves cannot even see, unless we are to ask ourselves some very important (and sometimes uncomfortable) questions.
Is this scenario at all reminiscent of a past experience? Could this experience or person have triggered an emotional response from you due to something in your past? Do you think your current situation would upset you, if your past situation never occured?
Ask yourself as many objective questions as possible to uncover your feelings and reasons. Do so as if you were talking to someone else - a friend or a family member. (I also suggest that you write down a list of all your reasons.) -
Step 3
GIVE HONEST CONSIDERATION TO ALL REASONS. Examine your reasons objectively. Decide whether your feelings seem warranted anymore or not. Objectively decide whether the problem is really there or if it is something you may have perceived to be there. Get a second or third opinion - ask a friend or family member (one who will not be biased, and one who will definitely tell you the honest truth). You may even wish to post your question on various website discussion boards, or have a relationship expert (one you admire & trust) give you their opinion.
DO NOT rely soley on just your conclusion. Get at the very least a second opinion. -
Step 4
TWEEK YOUR ACTIONS/WORDS. We cannot change other people. We cannot change what they do or say. We are not them. We have to understand & accept this as a fact of life. But, we do not have to continue being in a situation that is harmful to us. IF this applies - Try to go out of your way to be nicer to that someone. Examples) Give your difficult coworker a compliment. Ask your coworker if you can pick up a coffee for them since you will going to the coffee shop. Surprise your coworker with a bag of snacks or candybar from the vending machine; give it to them! (I know someone who turned a bad situation around with this very example!) Ask your spouse how their day was and ask them if there is anything you can do to make their day easier today?
I KNOW this sounds silly. I KNOW this sounds impossible. Afterall, what will they think or do when you do this out of the blue? Won't they think it is odd? Especially if you have only had tension with that coworker?
The point IS that it will catch them off guard. They WILL be surprised. You are doing something unexpected. But, they will start to realize that they had you pegged incorrectly. They WILL have a change of attitude towards you.
These points are not applicable to your situation? Then think of what it is you would like that person to start doing for you (that you are lacking). Now, start to slowly apply this attitude towards them.
I bet you it will not go unnoticed. They WILL start to act differently towards you in return. But, the change must begin with you. -
Step 5
DO NOT BLAME THE OTHER PERSON. No one responds well to blame. If you wish to sit down and have a heart to heart talk, letting them know something they are doing is hurting you or is a concern to you, you must tell them why in a logical and caring manner. Never come off blameful. I KNOW easier said than done. But, real simple: Avoid starting any comments with "YOU..." Doing so is a sure-fire way for your audience to shut their ears off which would not do you any good for the points you are trying to make.
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Step 6
PEOPLE ARE WHAT YOU EXPECT THEM TO BE. This can be displayed through your behavior. Others can sometimes sense how you think or feel about them through simple movements, gestures, body language, eye contact, facial expressions. So, without saying a single word, it can become obvious!
Words can greatly disclose how you feel about someone. Always be careful to avoid statements which sound as though you have that person's next move pegged (assumptions about who they are or what they will likely do). Also avoiding blame or disappointment.
Positives go a long way. Why not try telling them words of encouragement? This way offers you a much greater chance of influencing the other person. Example) A mother tells her son "you need to go to college next semester" (controlling, disappointment, blame, expecting negative from his persona). Example) A mother tells her son "you will do great. when were you thinking of looking at classes for enrollment?" (relinquishes control, praise, proud, expecting the best/very positive).
As you can see, your chances of influencing someone is A LOT greater when done in a positive manner.
Of course, understand that this is not meant to be used to manipulate someone. Every individual makes their own choices. We can only try to help. The rest is in their hands ultimately. We in the ends must come to terms with whatever choices that other individual makes, even if not our preference. -
Step 7
BE A LOVING FRIEND. People by nature do long for approval from others that they care about. Being loving will go a long way. Make sure they can visually see -- and can feel that you genuinely have their best interests at heart. This speaks volumes. Become their friend. Try to form a hobby or an interest that you can do together.
You may have nothing in common. But, I guarantee if you dig deep enough, you can find something -- one thing that you both can enjoy doing together. If there really is nothing, then you make the effort -- tell them you were thinking of trying to play basketball, for example, and ask if they would be willing to give you pointers. Tell them you have been wanting to learn about clothes, or music, etc. Ask their opinions. Ask to go with them sometime -- so you can learn about current trends. Compliment their knowledge.
My point is: WHO do people want advice from enough to ask for it? FRIENDS. Answer: You must become their friend. You must wait patiently and only give solicited advice. When they start to ASK you for advice, you know you have done well. Give it time. Enjoy the process. Have patience and enjoy the journey. You can turn things around for all parties.
