How to Be a Loser

Achieving greatness in life is a goal for many people; others aspire only to mediocrity. Then there are the real losers. If you want to be a loser but aren't sure where to get started, it's important to do your research. Without careful planning, you may just have greatness thrust upon you, which would defeat the purpose entirely.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. Forget about making an honest living. If you want to be a loser, you have to think like a loser would think. A true loser would never work a boring 8 to 5 job in order to pay her rent; she would mooch off her friends and family members as much as humanly possible.

2. Sleep in. Everything important happens before lunch, so wake up around 1 p.m. to make sure that you miss it all.

3. String people along. Being a bum is one thing, but if you want to obtain loser status, you have to reach a new level of failure. Tell your friends and family members every 6 months or so about a really great plan you have, and sell them on the idea of giving you money to help get it started. When they lend you large sums of money, don't pay it back, and don't follow through with the plan, either. Instead, buy a rusty van and start sleeping in the back.

4. Be rude. If you want to be a real loser, you have to come to terms with the fact that you'll probably never have any good friends. When you find yourself getting close to someone, sleep with his spouse or girlfriend and say something really mean to him. This should keep him at arm's length.

[vladdie]

on 6/25/2009 I live by this genius advice.
It ruined my life, and I no longer have one single friend!
I haven't gotten laid in years!
If only I wasn't such a Schizoid, I'd totally stalk the author and grape them.