How to Deal With a Controlling Spouse

Dealing with a controlling spouse results in resentment, depression and low self-esteem in the victimized partner. It also tears at the fabric of a relationship and corrodes every aspect of married life, from finances to social life to sex life. While the controlling partner acts out because of emotional conditioning from childhood, his or her partner needs to look at their role as an enabler.

Difficulty:

Moderate

Instructions

1. Identify the frequency and depth of the controlling partner's behavior. If it occurs in one area of the relationship, it will be easier to discuss and eliminate, perhaps without therapy. If the controlling spouse tries to keep their partner from different life aspects, such as friendships, hobbies and work, therapy is needed if the partner wants to stay in the relationship.

2. Refuse to accept the controlling behavior or enable it. Once you realize that your spouse's controlling behavior is a result of their emotional problems, you begin to feel stronger and work toward bettering the situation. Caving in to their controlling behavior and anger only makes things worse.

3. Consult a therapist. Remember that controlling spouses act that way because of deep-rooted anger, usually because of cruel or angry parents or a difficult childhood. If they won't consent to seeing a counselor, temporary or permanent withdrawal from the relationship will be a viable option.

4. Repair any emotional damage that the controlling spouse has inflicted. Work on renewing your own power and interests, and discard any fearful notions your spouse placed in your psyche. Ironically, when you "obey" a controlling spouse, it gives them more power and they seek to control you even more.

5. Work on changing the marriage. This takes effort from both partners. The controlling spouse has to dedicate themselves to shedding old angers and fears, and their partner needs to remain strong and not succumb to unjust demands for fear of losing or angering the controlling spouse.