How to Talk to Children About Divorce

As if divorcing weren't painful enough, parents have to endure the consequences a divorce has on their children. Although a divorced family is often a happier family, there is a painful adjustment period for the children. Talking to your child about a pending divorce is the first step in making this adjustment.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Tell your child about the divorce as soon as you're certain of your plans. Your child needs time to adjust to the news and anticipate the changes to the family's routine. Both parents should be present for this discussion.

2. Tailor your talk to your child's age. Younger children may only understand that one parent won't be living in the house anymore and that the child will be visiting that parent at a new house. Older children may know the reasons for the divorce, but they should only be told that you and your spouse have decided that divorce is best if the whole family is to be happy.

3. Emphasize that the divorce is not the child's fault and that although parents may stop loving each other, they never stop loving their children.

4. Answer questions truthfully, but don't frighten your child with too many details or "what-ifs." Children only need to know enough to anticipate the changes that will be made in their lives.

5. Expect a reaction. Some children cry and become angry while others seem relieved that the tension in the household is over. Younger children may need help in identifying and verbalizing their feelings.

Tips & Warnings

• Remember that your child will mourn the loss of the family he or she knew and will harbor fantasies about parents reuniting for many years. Talk to your child often about this.
• Watch for role reversals. If the child seems to be taking on a parental role after the divorce, taking care of a parent and other children, take steps immediately to correct this. Role reversals seem helpful at the time, but they are damaging to the child's emotional health.
• Blaming one another and airing the problems that caused the marriage to end is a sure way to scar your child's psyche.

Resources

• Learn how children of different ages react to divorce on Kids Health.