How to Get Along With a Mean Neighbor

We have all faced a bully at one point in our lives. Whether they were on the playground or in a social setting they are never pleasant. Living next door to a "Mean" neighbor is one of the most stressful situations you can face. Use these steps to get to the root of the problem and make life more enjoyable for everyone in the neighborhood.

Instructions

1. Are you sure they are mean?
   You do not have to put up with a mean neighbor, but finding the solution to discord can be challenging. First, and most importantly you must be sure this neighbor is truly the culprit. Gossip or second hand information should not be relied on when dealing with such a potentially explosive situation. There is a couple in my neighborhood that never speaks to anyone. They never wave as you drive by and even turn their backs to avoid eye contact. I thought they were the rudest people I had ever met, until I learned their story. Their only child died of leukemia. These precious people aren't rude; they are too devastated to speak. I still wave! Five years later I am finally getting a little wave back. Once you have personally established that your neighbor is indeed the problem then you can begin to dig for the root of their upset.

2. Finding the root!
   When I say dig, I am not talking about with a bulldozer. Tact is the key to this situation. If you are the new kid on the block, then you should start talking tactfully with other neighbors to find out if the problem is yours alone. Do not use this as a time to gossip, but as a fact-finding mission. Has this person always been this way? Have there been other neighbors that this person has targeted? What is going on this person's life? Debts, divorce, death, are all situations that would cause an otherwise nice person to turn bitter and mean.
   If there is one neighbor that does communicate effectively with this person they will be your best assets. Not as a gossipmonger, but as a mediator! You could be the soul cause of their anger. You may have unwittingly crossed a line, and need to make amends. Did you chop down a tree on your property that was the only shade in their yard? Are your children keeping them from their nap in the afternoon? Telling the children to play on the other-side of the house seems like a small price to pay for peace in the neighborhood. People can be ridiculously petty. Find out what imagined or real offence you have committed and rectify the problem. Rise above the tendency to bully the bully!

3. Mending Fences!
   A person that has sunk so low as to become "mean" as a result of an imagined insult must be dealt with in a cautious way. If you are the one they are mad at, you are not the one who should make the first move. Let another member of the household approach this person. Always bring a gift (home baked cookies!) and if possible call for an appropriate time to talk. Show them that this is important to you. If the one neighbor on the block who does get along with this person is available have them attend this meeting. Open the discussion honestly and never raise your voice. Remember to avoid statements like, "You did this..." Keep the purpose of the discussion firmly in mind and do not answer anger with anger. Your mission is to rectify the situation, not increase tensions. Express your apology in a moderated tone of voice; even if you did nothing wrong you are sorry that this situation has arisen. Do not fall into the arguing trap. Ask what you can do to make amends. Explain that you will be living side-by-side for years and you would like to have a good relationship with all your neighbors. Make sure that you go to their territory; inviting them to your house immediately puts you in the advantage and puts them on the defense.

4. After the first meeting, if it goes well, the person who the neighbor is actually mad at should reinforce the apology by a quick visit the next day. Knock on the door, thank them for their time the previous evening, reinforce the apology, and ask them to let you know if the situation does not improve. You have done all you can at this point, and can only try to greet the neighbor with friendliness each time you see them. Watch for an attitude change because I promise you they will be watching you for one! They will be watching you to see if your words hold any value. Mean people want to fight! Sometimes they just need an outlet for the frustration they are experiencing at home. Years ago I was a cashier at a grocery store. A "mean" man would come in everyday and buy just a few things. He was rude, abusive, nasty, and even a bit violent as he threw his purchases on the counter. All the cashiers would run when he came in the store. The head-cashier was made of sterner stuff. She was friendly and helpful to him no matter how he acted. She talked to him, and laughed off his rudeness. Eventually he started looking for her every time he came in. (Much to our relief!) His attitude began to change as he responded to her friendliness. As time went on we found out his wife was at home dying of cancer. His "meanness" was just his frustration coming out. He was watching his wife of 50 years die in front of his eyes and could do nothing about it. Was it right for him to mistreat people in his situation? Of course not! I will never forget him, and the lesson our head-cashier taught us.

5. Building Fences!
   If after you have made all these attempts towards this neighbor and nothing improves you need to make a decision. Most people cannot move because they don't like their neighbor, so you need to decide if this person is a physical threat to you or your family. If you believe they are then it is time to turn to law enforcement for help. There are people in the police force trained to mediate problems that have disintegrated to threats and destruction of property. If this person is truly mean, as you suspect, the police will already know all about them.
   If they are just a pain in the butt, buy a privacy fence and stay away from them. Do not aggravate them by responding tit for tat! Remember that you did all you could to rectify the situation.
   A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue. Proverbs 11:12

Tips & Warnings

• Do not allow your property to be destroyed without reporting it to the police.

• Do not assume the situation will get better. A bully gets worse when ignored!

• If you have children do not talk about this situation in front of them.

• If this person has been know to be abusive never approach them alone.