How to Choose a Wife

Choosing a wife used to be easier. The upper-class young suitor attended a cotillion or a ball given during the height of the "season" in London. In simpler circles, various other social engagements were likewise useful. Today's fast-paced environment with computers, cell phones and other electronics hindering in-the-flesh interaction makes the task of finding a wife that much more challenging. After you've found a woman, how do you know she'd make a good wife?

Instructions

1. Insist on intelligence. Dumb may be cute or funny at first, but she will eventually get on your nerves when you tire of explaining every little thing to her.

2. Check out her mother. It is true-the daughter will one day become her mother. Make sure you can live with that.

3. Pick a woman who matches your passion quotient. Share your expectations of how often you and she will have sex.

4. Evaluate her values. Match her morals, politics and financial status to yours as closely as possible.

5. Mind her manners. Decide whether you are you looking for someone who knows which fork to use, or someone who would just as soon eat with her hands.

Tips & Warnings

• Ask her what she's reading. You'll ascertain whether she is literate or prefers reality shows or science fiction movies.

• Take her to the zoo. If she coos and cuddles up to the animals, you will know she will love your dog or cat. If she pays more attention to the children, watching them longingly, then your desire for children won't shock her.

• Go shopping with her. Frightening as that sounds, you'll be able to determine if she is a saver or a spender. You will also get a clue about her taste in clothing, jewelry and furnishings by noting which store windows she looks at.

• Cut a rug and take her dancing. A woman who moves sensually and confidently on the dance floor is probably sensual and confident in the bedroom. If she is uncomfortable and stiff in that or other social situations, you may want to take a pass.

• Make a pass at her. Notice whether she responds with grace and humor or whether she embarrasses you and gives you a hateful glare. That should give you a clue to her personality.

• Chow down. Take her to dinner at a posh establishment and observe her eating habits. Then take her to a truck stop, local diner or pub. Observe whether she is equally as comfortable. The local bar is also a good place to find out if "everybody knows her name." You may not want to marry such a "popular" gal.