How to Survive In Jail

This will give you the in's and out's of surviving in jail. Everything from time killers to dropping the soap.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• An Arrest Warrant
• Willpower
• God

1. Your either going to jail because you have a warrant for your arrest, you committed a new crime, or your turning yourself in for sentencing. You should be prepared for all the "firsts". The first initial smell, the first "clang" of the door, the first meal, the first shower, the first "lights out", the first "wake up", the first reality realized. This 24 hour period is by far the toughest on your body, mind, heart, and soul. In this time, you want to just "get your bearings" on everything. Who's who? Where's where? What's what?. After you do that, go lay down on your bed because you will feel like crying.
2. DONT CRY! You should get an initial plan of action. Start thinking of how your going to do this. Hold on to your memories. Pick one and take yourself there every minute of every day. This keeps you looking forward to the finish line, and reminds you that as long as you didn't kill someone, you will experience life again. I don't care what it is, you need a memory. A wife, a husband, a child, a parent, a dog, a tv show ... anything. No matter what happens, nobody can take your memory away from you.
3. Pick your friends. In jail, you have everything from a 17 year old kid who stole a pack of smokes, to people who kill, rape, and molest. You need to be wise on who you choose to spend your time with. Not only do you want to be "on the same level" as your new found friends but you want to make sure that he/she is well liked by the jail community. If your hanging with a child molester, a rapist, or a snitch; they see you just as bad as them. Watch your company.
4. Develop a pattern. Get in the habit of doing "daily rituals". Doing the same thing at the same time every day will naturally put you in a comfort zone. Watch the same shows, play the same games, take a shower at the same time, have your morning cup of joe, read the daily paper; all of this will make your time go just a little bit faster.
5. Get God. This is the one thing that I recommend most. Not only will you need him, but you will find yourself enjoying him. Trust me when I say this. ..YOU WILL NOT FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD, WHERE YOU NEED GOD AS MUCH AS YOU NEED HIM IN JAIL.
6. Don't gamble unless you have the dough. I love to gamble. You will soon find out that gambling makes the time go very, very fast. Unless you have the products to pay right away if you lose, don't even get started. Don't start a "credit line" with people. Pretty soon you will lose your meals, your clothes, etc. Gambling is different in jail. If you don't pay, you get hurt. That's a promise. Not only will you get hurt but if you lose enough stuff, people will consider you "a bitch" because your always giving stuff away. GAMBLE RESPONSIBLY.
7. Even though its not as bad as the movie's portray it to be, their are homosexuals in jail. And they will try to find out if your like them. Simply say "I'm not into that" and move on. If your not gay, do not hang out with gay people, leave them alone. In jail, gay people are not always tall, skinny, and talk like a girl. Remember, some of these guys have been in there for years and just turned gay because they felt like they had to. Bottom Line ... stick with your own kind, and don't drop the soap.
8. If someone hits you, hit them back. NO MATTER WHAT! This might be the single most important survival tip for jail. Don't go looking for fights by any means but if someone clocks you, hit them back until you just cant hit anymore. Its not the fact whether you win or lose, its about respect. If you let someone abuse you, it wont stop. Picture the elementary school bully who takes the same kid's lunch everyday ... except these guys will take more than your lunch.
9. Have a plan when you get out. Waste some of your time detailing plans when you get out. This will not only impress the parole board, but it will also give you that "vision" you need to keep going on the bad days. Believe me, their will be bad days.
10. Mind your own business. I don't care if you hear that someone is breaking out, keep your mouth shut! Worry about you, that's all. Do your time, and go home. If someone else wants to do screw up, let them. Don't talk, don't stare, don't even look.
11. Establish as many "pen pals" as you can. The phones are all collect in jail and people will get sick of the bill. Save the occasional call for holidays, birthdays, emergency's. There is nothing better than getting a letter to read everyday. The slow communication builds excitement. Besides, you have the time anyway.
12. DO NOT USE DRUGS!! Their are drugs in jail. This is worse than gambling. The price is about 10 times what you'll pay on the street, the supply is limited, and the consequences are fierce!!

Tips & Warnings

• Follow all of these suggestions, and your time will at least be a little bit easier. I wont say it will be a piece of cake, or fun, but it will be liveable. Do what you need to do, go home, and don't go back. Keep your mind strong. Remember, if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger.
• If there is a candy bar on your pillow, DO NOT EAT IT!!