How to Cope With a Controlling Partner

Coping with a controlling partner entails deciding what you can and can't live with, changing what you can and accepting what you can't change.

Things You'll Need

• Paper And Pencils

Instructions

1. Write down a list of the behaviors that your partner does that you feel are controlling in nature.

2. Decide which of these you could live with if you had to and which are too much for you to deal with. Make a separate list of the ones that are too much for you.

3. Think about why these behaviors bother you so much. For example: Is this how a parent was? Have you been treated this way before? Do you feel controlled in other life situations?

4. Separate how much of your feelings of being controlled have to do with your partner vs. other people or situations, past or present, in which you have felt controlled. The goal is to sort out which of your feelings and frustrations relate to your partner and which don't.

5. Notice whether doing this decreases the degree of frustration you feel toward your partner; often it will decrease some of it.

6. Decide whether you want to talk to your partner to try to get them to change what still bothers you. If so, tell them, in a calm manner, how you feel when they act in a controlling manner. For example: "I feel ______ when you ______."

7. Ask for your requested change in their behavior. Tell them what you would like them to do instead.

8. Be specific about what you want or need vs. simply telling them to stop being controlling. Give them an example of an alternative way they could relate to you.

9. Work on accepting them for who they are if changing them is unlikely or difficult. Focus on their positive qualities that led you to be with them in the first place.

Tips & Warnings

• If your partner does make any changes, be sure to acknowledge and appreciate them when they do it. They will appreciate your noticing, and it will reinforce their continuing to act differently.