How to Pay a Shiva Call

Jewish law requires that close relatives of a deceased person sit shiva for seven days and sets forth very detailed instructions for their conduct. Visitors to the house of mourning also are expected to observe certain guidelines for "nichum avelim," or comforting mourners.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Food For The Seudat Havra'ah (meal Of Consolation)

1. Delay your visit until after burial. Jewish tradition holds that before interment, the grief of the bereaved is so intense that it precludes consolation by even close friends. Following the funeral, though, feel free to visit as often as you like, especially if you are a close friend of the family.

2. Avoid visiting on Shabbat (Friday at sundown through Saturday at sundown), as Jewish law prohibits sitting shiva on Shabbat.

3. Bring no flowers or gifts with you; instead, you may want to give a donation to the deceased's favorite charity or to a synagogue fund established in his or her memory.

4. Enter the living room with the friend or family member who met you at the door. Wait for the mourner to speak before you say anything. After that, a simple "I'm sorry," accompanied by a hug or a firm handshake is all you need to say.

5. Listen to what the mourner wants to say and respond accordingly. Most likely he or she will want to reminisce about the deceased, but if the topic is yesterday's stock market closings or tomorrow's weather forecast, just follow along.

6. Don't feel obliged to stay more than half an hour or so.

7. Write a note to the bereaved if you can't visit in person. If you were close to the deceased, phone calls also are usually much appreciated.

Tips & Warnings

• Because Jewish terms are translations from the Hebrew, spellings vary. For instance, the seven-day period of mourning can be correctly spelled shiva, shivah or shiv'a.
• For many Jews, one of the most meaningful gestures you can make is to plant a tree in Israel in the deceased's memory through the Jewish National Fund.
• If you are a close friend or neighbor of the family, you probably will want to provide food for the seudat havra'ah, the meal served to mourners when they return from the cemetery. You'll find detailed information on this and other aspects of shiva in many books, including the one we've listed.
• With shiva, as in virtually every other part of Jewish life, the degree to which people stick to the letter of the law varies greatly, not only among Orthodox, Conservative and Reform branches of the faith, but also among individual congregations and families. Some people observe all of the steps outlined above; others observe only a few.

[Onychophora]

on 10/28/2008 Thank you so much for this article. I was so nervous about paying a shiva call, after reading advice elsewhere, but this article let me know Reform families may observe the laws differently. Thank you for calming my nerves, and I am glad that I went and paid my respects to the family.

[chabadrabbi]

on 3/13/2007 If you visit a religious family who is sitting shiva, you should not hug or shake hands, as stricter shiva observance forbids physical contact with the mourners.

on 3/3/2006 The tradition is that the sweetness of the candy eases the bitterness of the loss.

on 11/22/2005 Do not knock on the door or ring the bell, the door, traditionally, will be left unlocked.

on 11/22/2005 Don't feel that you have to stay long. Short (30 Minute) visits allow you to express your condolences, while still giving the family some usually much needed time together.