A Parent's Primer to Living with Teens

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They are working their way out of their family and into the larger world. They’re asking, ‘Who am I?’ and they’re heavily influenced by the validation of others.

— David Wilson, Brooklyn-based clinical social worker

Brain Changes

Teenagers' intense emotions have always been blamed on hormonal surges. But that’s only a partial explanation. New research on brain development has led to findings that can help parents understand the complexities behind their teen’s behavior. Some of the findings were aired on the January 2002 PBS show "Frontline" series "Inside the Teenage Brain."

From the ages of 13 through 18, the brain of a teenager is undergoing tremendous changes. The thinking part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, begins to prune off up to 50 percent of its neural branches, while at the same time wrapping white matter, or myelin, around other connections to stabilize and strengthen them. The prefrontal cortex enables making judgments, planning and controlling impulses.

"The prefrontal cortex allows the modern human to plan ahead, weigh costs and benefits in decision-making, make reasoned judgments, and control impulses," said Laura Kastner, a clinical psychologist and co-author of "Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens."

While these changes enable teens to refine their skills and reason at higher levels, they also compromise their judgment abilities. Coupled with changing hormones, this more emotional teen brain is partially responsible for low tolerance, emotional outbursts and impulsive actions.

"No wonder teens, lacking some of the functionality of these prized abilities, often seem brainless," Kastner said

Separation Anxiety

The main developmental struggle of teens is to separate emotionally from their parents. In that respect, they are very much like the 2-year-old version of themselves.

“They are working their way out of their family and into the larger world,” said Brooklyn-based clinical social worker David Wilson. “They’re asking, ‘Who am I?’ and they’re heavily influenced by the validation of others.”

Although it’s a necessary step on their path toward becoming adults, the emotional separation can take on painful proportions. Parents are stunned when their once-adoring child is now embarrassed to be seen in public with them and ridicules them at every opportunity.

“Our kids actually give us a lot of care-taking by telling us how cool, smart and funny we are. We don’t realize how much care they give us until they take it away when they’re teenagers,” said psychologist Michael J. Bradley, author of "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind."

The Social Media Problem

Adding to teens' anxiety of how their peers perceive them is the ever-present reach of social media.

“Teens are terrified about what is being said about them. It creates an enormous amount of pressure,” said Bradley, who recommends that parents have access to a younger teen's Internet account and let her know they will be monitoring it to ensure the teen’s activity is appropriate.

“You can tell your teen, ‘If you say things you shouldn’t, I won’t punish you, but I will see that you don’t have the needed maturity and your account will be shut down for six months until you can self-regulate,’” Bradley said.

The privilege of having an account can also be tied into maintaining good behavior and grades

Don’t Take It Personally

The most difficult moments for parents occur when they are under the fire of their teen’s negative emotions. But instead of lashing out in tandem, parenting experts recommend remaining calm.

“It’s not unusual for a parent to feel rejected and humiliated when your teen says ‘You are ruining my life!’, or 'My friends feel sorry for me because of you,'” Kastner said. “Whatever the origin of the conflict, extreme negative emotions harm and don’t help resolve the problem.”

She recommends that parents cool down, breathe deeply and allow a cooling-off period before talking to a teen.

During this time of tremendous upheaval, parents can temper their hurt or angry feelings by remembering that their child has what Bradley terms a temporary brain disorder.

"You don't abandon them. You understand the kid is terribly challenged as an adolescent. They are really in pain," Bradley said. "They look like they are sneering or bullying, but it is not a pleasant way for a teen to be. This is the time to do our most sophisticated parenting and get back in charge."

Set Limits

While teens are seeking freedom, they are not yet ready to be completely independent. Establishing boundaries and expectations helps them feel safe.

“While it’s important to understand that teens are going through all kinds of changes, you cannot be their doormat,” said Brooklyn, New York-based psychotherapist Marcia Blank. “You must make it clear to them that you will not accept abusive language and that you will give a consequence.”

She cautions, however, that the consequence must be reasonable. “To ground a kid for six months is insanity.”

When your teen is invited to a friend’s home, it's appropriate to speak to the parent and ask if they will be present, Blank said. You also need to know when they arrive and know when they'll be home. As teens show they are responsible by adhering to the established rules, more freedoms can be added, she said.

Creative Communication

The key to strengthening the bonds with your teen? Be creative. Author and psychologist Mary C. Lamia recommends having conversations with your teen that are not about them.

“Asking the typical questions such as 'How was school?' or 'How did you do on your test?' creates anxiety in teens.” This can cause the icy wall of surliness to go up. Instead, parents can talk about their workday or ask their teens for an opinion on something they read, which, more than likely, your teen will gladly offer.

“Stay connected, even if you have to bribe your kids,” Bradley said. “Pay them $5 to go have a cup of coffee with you and promise that you won’t lecture them. Create a space where they can just hang out and talk.”

Keep the questions nonconfrontational:

“You want to scrap questions like why did you do that? or what’s wrong with you?,” said psychologist and author Linda Sapadin, noting that it's better to negotiate and ask questions that encourage your teen’s input into solving the difficulty, such as 'How can we communicate better?'

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