Stages of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a serious crime. Physically harming or harassing others is breaking the law. In domestic violence situations, a common cycle occurs with identifiable stages. Learning these stages might be the first step toward stopping the cycle of domestic abuse, either for yourself or for someone you know. It is important to stop the cycle before irreparable harm occurs.

Planning and Set-Up

Most abusers plan their abuse at least to some degree. They may have fantasies about abusive situations or scenarios in which the abuser feels dominant and in control. Planning the abuse may involve figuring out how to orchestrate situations that will lead to the abuse. This often involves the abuser making accusations or becoming angry with the victim about something the victim has allegedly done that offends the abuser.
After the planning stage, the abuser typically creates the situation that sets the stage for the abusive behavior.

The Abuse

Abuse has several different forms. It may be physical abuse that takes place when the abuser actually strikes or physically hurts the victim. Other hurtful forms of abuse include emotional, psychological, sexual, social and economic.
The abuse stage of domestic violence is when the actual abuse is committed. It starts the moment the abuser physically or verbally attacks the victim. This stage has also been likened to an explosion where the abuser explodes against the victim.

Abuser's Guilt and Fears of Reprisal

After the abuser has hurt the victim, there is typically some guilt experienced. This guilt, however, is not centered around having hurt the victim. Rather, the guilt the abuser feels is more about avoiding any consequences for the abuse and hoping that there will be no reprisals. The abuser will usually apologize, but the apology is not what would be considered a sincere or heartfelt apology where forgiveness is sought and repentance is shown.

Abuser's Rationalization

It is common for the abuser to make excuses and blame the victim for the abusive behavior. This will usually be exhibited by statements that focus on the victim's behavior or actions instead of the abuser's behavior and actions. These tactics are used to try to shift responsibility away from the abuser and blame the victim for the abuse. In an abusive relationship, the victim is likely to accept the abuser's blame.

Changing to Non-Abusive Behavior

After an abusive episode, the abuser may switch to being a thoughtful and charming person, instead of a hurtful and abusing one. This might be the personality to which the victim was attracted initially. The abuser may give gifts to the victim and often promises to change. Many victims believe these promises and this is why it is common for victims to stay with abusers. The non-abusive period lasts until the abuser begins to plan and set up the next abusive episode.