How to Make Your Film a (Total) Cliche

Listen, it's possible you went to film school, or still are in film school, or didn't think you needed film school. Regardless, you don't want your movie to look like it was made in film school. The following are common mistakes made by amateur filmmakers that reveal them as such. Read on, and avoid becoming a statistic.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. Open your Film with an Alarm Clock -
   
   There's nothing more engaging than the screeching sound of an alarm buzzer over black. Fade in over the alarm clock, and a slack hand thumping over it. After all, what more perfect way to start your film than with the start of your protagonist's day?
   
   ---
   
   Wrong. This is apparently the most often seen device festival committees come across. It's embarrassing. Don't do it. If you must start first thing in the morning, start with shoe tying or cereal pouring at the very least, though it still isn't advisable.
2. Use Lots of Dream Sequences -
   
   It's the only way to get that back-story in there. Lots of trippy, dutched and rotating images, slightly blurred out. We could even throw the protagonist's face over it. Hitchcock did it.
   
   ---
   
   Unless your dream sequence is self-aware comedic, it's most likely a bad idea.
3. Time must Elapse in a Montage -
   
   Like in Rocky!
   
   --
   
   Please don't do this. It's outdated and unnecessary. Use all of the time in your film to give us important information, not to fade shots of grocery shopping and spin classes over "I'm motivated" music.
4. Buy a Big, Fake-looking Gun Prop -
   
   Okay, so, ultra low-budget gun fights are generally a source of laughter among audiences, and you know it, but you just need your main character to pack heat. You'll just spray paint over that orange gun-tip and no one will be the wiser.
   
   --
   
   You're not fooling anyone.
5. Drama -
   
   There will be death and destruction. Tears of rage and triumph! Your film will be a dark, winding labyrinth of human emotion.
   
   --
   
   Let's take a step back here. No matter how many howling protagonists you have prostrated over the body of their murdered damsel, chances are the effect will be laughable if it's overdone. Be very careful with heavy story beats.
   
   Overkill happens more often than you really want to know.
6. This Film is All About Me! -
   
   You have to let the world know what it's like to be you! Most of them will think it's a simple story of turmoil over getting the smaller power ranger action figure for Christmas in '02, but you know ... you know the truth.
   
   ---
   
   We get that it's been a trial being a Dutch foreign-exchange student who fell in love with your English tutor from Brazil, or whatever. Autobiography films are usually glaringly obvious, simply because of the way things are stressed throughout the story. And the fact that you renamed your character by changing the first letter of your name.
   
   The autobiographical thing can be done, but you need experience first in crafting something compelling before you can even do your own story justice.
   
   
   Start with fiction. Move on from there.
7. Expository Dialogue -
   
   This is great. So, you'll start with Jenny's stalkers sitting in front of her house, and one will turn to the other and say, "I'm so glad we decided to stalk Jenny."
   
   ---
   
   That one sounds extreme, but it happens. There are much better ways to relay information than long, wordy dialogue sequences meant to further the plot.
   
   SHOW, DON'T TELL!
8. Bad Ass Main Character -
   
   He flicks cigarettes away in a really dramatic manner. He's got a secret life. He carries a plastic gun.
   
   ---
   
   Be careful with this. Going over the top makes your character laughable, not formidable. Write your story within the realms of your budget.
9. We're in the Future. It's the Future -
   
   We'll just put a green filter over everything.
   
   ---
   
   If it really, really needs to be the future, go ahead. Most of the time it doesn't. And you have no money to make it look like the future. Tread lightly.
10. Flashy Camera Work -
    
    Zoom! Tilt! Rotate from Overhead!
    
    ---
    
    Amateur!
    
    Stop pointing at yourself. We know you're the director. Allow yourself one glory shot, then focus on the movie.

Tips & Warnings

• Check out Ebert's book on film cliches. Avoid them all.
• Internet searches will also help you determine how original your ideas are.
• Cliches are sometimes cliches because they work. Usually not, but if there is such a case, try a variation on the cliche.