How to Deal With a Manipulator

Manipulators seek one thing: control. Anyone can be manipulative or manipulated: parents, lovers, spouses, friends, children, employers or employees. Because any relationship that involves manipulation is destined for problems, you need to recognize and deal with a manipulator for your own mental and emotional health.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. Identify manipulative behaviors. Manipulators are very good at what they do: controlling others. Their tactics vary, but the goal is always to get the manipulated to do what the manipulator wants. Manipulative behaviors can include threatening, flattering, giving you guilt or demeaning you. They may keep you guessing by alternating between excesses of affection and charm and coldness or anger. If you often feel stressed and resentful when dealing with someone, you may be enmeshed in a manipulative relationship.

2. Look at ways in which you play into the manipulator's hands. List things you have done or not done to please the manipulator and how you felt when at the time.

3. Figure out which buttons the manipulator is pressing. For example, if you are a giving and caring person, a manipulator might suggest that you are cold and selfish if you are start resisting the manipulator's schemes.

4. Stop making excuses for the manipulator. If you blame the manipulative behavior on his insecurities or unhappy childhood, know that such excuses are a key part of his manipulative strategy. Be wary of anyone who regularly "plays the victim."

5. Turn down "generous" offers of help, money, time, etc. To a manipulator, these are always "quid pro quo." Manipulators use "gifts" they give to get something out of you.

6. Assert yourself. Say no to manipulative demands calmly and rationally.

7. Establish and maintain boundaries. You need to distance yourself emotionally in order to deal with the manipulative comments and behaviors. Cultivate detachment and consider it necessary "tough love."

8. Challenge lies and half-truths. Use logic instead of emotion to argue back. If necessary, end the battle by "agreeing to disagree." Hold your position. Be prepared to repeat yourself many times until the manipulator backs off.

9. Prepare yourself for the manipulator to escalate her behavior. The manipulator will not give up control without a fight. You will hear how "mean" you are and how "hurt" she is by your "uncaring" behavior. The manipulator's behavior may become worse than ever or she may totally withdraw. Stand firm, don't get defensive and don't take the bait.

10. See how the manipulator responds to the changes you have made. Some people see the error of their ways and come to appreciate the benefits of a more equitable relationship. Once you deal with the manipulator, you will feel more optimistic, more powerful and once again in control of your destiny.

Tips & Warnings

• If the manipulator is someone you work with, you may want to request mediation by management and/or Human Resources in order to deal with the problems.
• While some manipulators do realize the error of their ways once you force the change, others won't. They will try to find new ways to try to "get around" you. Once you break the manipulation cycle, you must then decide whether you will be happier with or without the particular relationship. Also realize that the manipulator may be the one to leave the relationship. He may depart in search of a fresh victim once it becomes clear that she no longer controls you.
• If you are afraid that the manipulator may cause you physical harm, avoid any direct confrontation, remove yourself and any bystanders like children and to a safe place and stop all contact.

[bruisesbebanned]

on 9/23/2009 Some people can be manipulating without being manipulators.

[mrsarnold]

on 9/18/2009 It's amazing how much I can see my husband's mother and his child's mother in each one of these points. Little reason to be said but he has to deal with one, but he doesn't associate with his mother anymore. She still hasn't changed. My husband is a good father, very caring, and so unselfish u wouldn't believe but she will tell him the complete opposite and try to degrade him just because he will not do as she says. She throws up everything she has done for him. But whatever, what can you do?

[shelia72]

on 7/22/2009 I agree with littleflower...Borderline Personality Disorders are VERY manipulative. My mother is diagnosed with this and it is so infuriating when she manipulates me, especially when she uses my children to manipulate me.

[tracypatzold]

on 9/4/2008 thanks for this article. I have a few people manipulating me but this showed me how to be smarter then them!

[annalecta]

on 2/8/2008 Great, insightful advice! One interesting note: I found the expression “error of their ways” a little judgmental – until, after a little thought, I recognized that I’ve done some manipulating myself! So thanks for helping me learn how to avoid hurting others.