How to Avoid Cooking on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is about good food and good company. Unfortunately, whoever ends up cooking all that food is destined to miss all the good company. They're stuck in the kitchen mashing potatoes and baking pies. If you want to avoid cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year, here are some tricks that can keep you out of the kitchen and in the thick of the fun.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Suggest a tofurky. A traditional turkey dinner has been done a thousand times before, so this year suggest that your family try a tofu turkey instead. Type up the menu complete with soybean paste and wheat germ/flax-seed cookies and present it to your family in mid-October. Once they get a gander at that menu, they'll be making reservations at your local restaurant in a flash. To speed the process, let them taste some samples.

2. Practice beforehand. During the weeks leading up to the big cook-off, start preparing dishes to try out on your family. Getting powdered sugar confused with flour will provide a nice tang to your gravy and soups. When your family complains, act oblivious to the problem.

3. Give them the gift that keeps on giving. Nothing says love like a good old case of food poisoning. All it takes is one bad turkey, and they'll never ask you to cook again.

4. Drop the turkey. As soon as company arrives, announce that you're going to go put the turkey in the oven. Wait a few minutes, then drop something heavy on the floor, trying to make as much noise as possible. Then yell, "It's OK. We're on the 10-second rule!" After a few moments, walk back into the living room. Announce that the turkey should be done in a few hours. Bonus points if you have a dog.

5. Visit a medical website and print out any reports detailing the high incidence of botulism during the holidays. Pick an article that graphically describes the symptoms of food poisoning, complete with pictures. Make the article required reading for the entire family.

6. If all else fails and you still end up in charge of cooking Thanksgiving dinner, call your favorite restaurant and ask if they have a Thanksgiving special. You can get a cooked turkey, sides, bread and dessert as a package deal and no one will know the difference.

7. Burning the turkey isn't always a sure-fire way to get out of cooking detail. If you family is hungry enough, they will just scrape off the black parts and salvage the rest.

Resources

• Learn how to make a tofurkey.
• Order Thanksgiving dinner to go.