Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

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Much like gardening, you never know what to expect when it comes to surviving the zombie apocalypse. It takes street smarts, a steady hand and determination to keep a garden, and yourself, alive these days. Here’s a brief manual on outsmarting the walking dead, a task more difficult than you’d imagine considering zombies don’t have brains.


1. Keep Your Wits About You

Maintaining your sanity is critical for your survival. Statistics show that two out of three victims of zombie attacks were either distracted or literally scared out of their minds. Be sure to keep your wits about you and your eye on the prize because your only other option is to have your brains sucked out through your eyeballs by flesh-eating monsters.


2. Think of Zombies as a Creepy Ex-Boyfriend

A restraining order wouldn’t do him, or these zombies, any good, so take responsibility. Lock your doors, don’t stand in front of a window, avoid eye contact (which shouldn’t be tough seeing how most zombies are missing facial features), and always be ready to outrun the competition. Sure, this particular zombie may have formerly been a friend or sibling, but just like that nasty breakup you’ve got to cut them loose and save yourself from becoming an afternoon snack.


3. Zombie Destruction Tools

I say keep things basic–rely on what you have because handling a new weapon can get somewhat hectic during a zombie attack. I’m a gardener, so a solid round-tipped shovel is a familiar tool and will be wildly useful when it comes to zombie decapitation. Don’t go out and buy a chainsaw or crossbow if you aren’t already a lumberjack or bow hunter–you’re sure to do more harm than good, and why give those rotting-fleshed peons any advantage at all?


4. Try Not to Fall in Love With Anyone

All these new zombie shows and movies tell you that you’re better off in a group than alone, and I won’t disagree. But make sure that you don’t become too emotionally attached to any of your fellow humans–it causes problems if your emotions are distracting you from killing zombies, especially if your sweetie pie is brought to the dark side. How can you kill a zombie that was once a person you loved? It’s harder than you might think, so eliminate the problem.


5. Make Them Useful

In the past, I’ve tried to harness the power of a group of zombies, but they aren’t likely to engage with anything that even smacks of work, it’s just not in their nature. After you’ve gone to all the trouble of re-killing the living dead, put those bodies to use–compost them. They’re already well on their way to decomposition anyway, so toss them in the compost pile, mix it in with your garden soil and enjoy the fruits of your labor.


Even though the walking dead pose serious threats to civilization as we know it, just think of their destruction as a day of weeding in the garden–the more vicious and forceful you are with the problem, the better your garden–and in this case, humankind–will be in the end.

Watch my zombie survival guide in action for more tips!


Photo Credit: Mark Fonville

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