I’d like to think my family has a pretty standard American Thanksgiving festivities: football, turkey, TV, wine, stretchy pants, and family chaos. In a house with two TVs, one of them correctly dedicated to football, there is also the less-discussed Thanksgiving tradition: the battle over the remote control.
Are you looking to win the remote this year? The trick is in the preparation. Here’s our list of what’s playing this Thanksgiving and why you should watch them, so you can plan your arguments accordingly. Good luck.
Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions at 9:30am PT/12:30pm ET
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys at 1:30pm PT/4:30pm ET
San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks at 5:30pm PT/8:30pm ET
An Old Fashioned Thanksgiving: 8am, Hallmark. Watch it because nothing gets you in the Holiday spirit like heartwarming classics that aren’t in HD.
Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: 8pm, ABC. Watch this because it basically started the hipster movement.
Punkin Chunkin: 8pm, Discovery. People make these and then compete to see whose is best.
Lady Gaga & The Muppets’ Holiday Spectacular: 9:30pm, ABC. Watch celebrities play and sing with Muppets.
Friends: 10am-5pm, TBS. They’re showing all 10 Thanksgiving episodes, so you should watch this if you hate Thanksgiving as much as Chandler does.
White Collar: 6am-6am on Cloo. Watch it because even straight guys can’t deny Matt Bomer is the most attractive man alive.
Lottery Changed My Life: 7am-2pm on TLC. Watch it because you didn’t win the lottery. You know this because if you won the lottery you wouldn’t be fighting over the remote.
The Godfather Trilogy: 11:30am-4am, AMC. Watch it because your family isn’t in the Mafia. If they are, then you probably shouldn’t be arguing with anyone in the first place.
Harry Potter: This is a three-day event on ABC family. Tune in for at least one movie because it’s impossible to have a family feud while watching magical tweens drive flying cars and talk to paintings.
Swamp People: 7am-6pm on History. If your family is driving you nuts, turn this on so you can honestly say it could be worse.
Extreme Couponing: 9am-2pm on Discovery Fit & Health. Watch it because your body is full of tryptophan and you’re trying to take an epic nap.
Fear Factor: 9am-5pm on Chiller. Watch it because you just ate way too much turkey and stuffing, and you need to make room for dessert. (if that one doesn’t work, watch it because you don’t want to keep eating pie. And this will make you lose your appetite.)
Modern Family: 9:30am-1:30am, USA. Watch it because it shows you how to laugh at crazy familial situations without losing your mind.
Castle: 10am-11pm, TNT. Watch it because CSI isn’t having a marathon, and it’s basically the same thing.
The Three Stooges: 7:20am-5:30pm on IFC. Watch it because it’s more or less the comedic version of what’s going on at your house right now. And it’s in black and white.
Braxton Family Values: 4pm-5am, WEtv. Watch it if you’re the type who can’t decide between watching 90s Disney re-runs or Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Alaska: The Last Frontier: 12pm-8pm, Discovery. Watch it if the last 24 hours has made you want to leave the country, but you don’t have a passport.
Mysteries: 12pm-8pm, Travel Channel. Watch it if you’re really drunk, and there’s another drunk person with you who wants to ponder some mysteries over a large plate of pumpkin pie.
MythBusters: 12pm-8pm, Science. Watch it if you’ve already seen every episode, and you’re trying to one-up a know-it-all cousin.
Too Cute!: 1pm-7pm, OWN. If you need a pick-me-up, watch cute animals doing cute things.
Andy Griffith Show: 12pm-9pm, TV Land. Watch it because this could well be a satire of your current situation.
Undercover Boss: 2pm-3am, TLC. Watch blue-collar employees get rewarded for their hard work after being spied on by their bosses, while you try to convince your too-religious aunt that she didn’t just see you spike your wine with vodka.
Frozen Planet: 2pm-7pm, Animal Planet. If your house is freezing because older family members are too hot from the oven being on, watch this so you can pretend you’re in an adventure.
Reba: 3pm-8pm, CMT. Watch it if you’re a mom who needs some reaffirmations.
NY ER: 2pm-7pm, Discovery Fit & Health. Watch this because despite the fact that a small war just broke out over the wishbone and your crazy uncle is wearing a lampshade, it can always be worse.
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