How do we know the world’s (probably) going to end this year? Well, we’re only seven weeks into 2013 and already there’s weird stuff going down that rivals the 10 Biblical Plagues. My advice? Dig your bunker, stockpile Cheetos and Mountain Dew, and remember when things go “Lord of the Flies,” you read it here first.
1. Meteor Crashes Into Russia
This is the most recent obvious sign, right? On February 16, a meteor entered the atmosphere over Siberia with a sonic boom big enough to injure 1,200 locals. Luckily, it disintegrated into debris about 20 miles above the Earth, but still — with no NASA program — how will a Bruce Willis wanna-be blow up the next space ball, “Armageddon”-style?
2. Michelle Obama’s Bangs
Not since The Great Felicity Haircut Massacre of 1999 has a hairstyle caused such national uproar. Like mystic tea leaves, those bangs show signs of either a bad 2013 for us all or at least an embarrassing mid-life crisis her.
3. The USPS Goes Into Survival Mode, Cancels Saturday Deliveries
The 150-year-old tradition of getting your mail on Saturday will cease to exist this summer. There were just some things you used to be able to rely on: Death, taxes, and the United States Postal Service. Now? The USPS has taken the first step in dismantling the way you get snail mail. The infrastructure is breaking down, people!
4. 911 Is A Joke… In Milwaukee
Or so says County Sheriff David Clarke Jr. In a radio ad released during the last half of January, he told residents “With officers laid off and furloughed, simply calling 911 and waiting is no longer your best option.” I’m not calling this martial law, but not having a 911 option can’t bode well in the future.
5. The 34-Minute Super Bowl XLVII Blackout
Has this really been explained yet? Yeah, there were flimsy reasons having to do with one of the two Superdome feeders going out (what’s a feeder?) and a bad substation, but what really happened? Did it have something to do with Beyonce and the Illuminati Triangle hand-sign she flashed during her halftime performance?
6. Christopher Dorner Goes “Falling Down”
Ex-LAPD cop and US Navy reservist writes up a six-page manifesto then goes on a revenge spree, all of it ending in a shootout in Big Bear, California. Crazy vigilante justice is nothing new, but Dorner slowly became something of a “Natural Born Killers”-like hero for a shockingly large segment of people on the Internet with quite a few Facebook fan pages that backed his actions.
7. Joe Biden Advice On How To Protect Yourself: Buy a Shotgun
He seriously said that. On February 20, Biden took part in something called a “Facebook town hall” sponsored by Parents Magazine. Naturally, because its 2013, the conversation turned to gun laws and home protection. His answer? “Get a double-barreled shotgun.” I kid you not. If that’s not a clear sign…
8. The Pope Quits
Pope Benedict XVI is getting out while the getting’s relatively good. He’s citing his failing health — I say something else is going on. Have you ever heard of the Papal Prophecies? You’re about to…
9. “Argo” Wins Best Picture At The Golden Globes
How did “Argo” beat “Lincoln” and “Zero Dark Thirty” for the Golden Globes Best Picture award? Did you see “Argo?” I did, and after a little research, I found out that “Argo” is about 3 percent factually correct. Basically, they got the name of the guy Ben Affleck played correct and that it happened in Iran. Other than that, pretty much all fiction. If this Golden Globe award correctly predicts the Academy Award for best picture, our days are numbered.
10. Kim Kardashian Pregnant
You saw “The Omen,” right? Then you know how this ends.
11. Two Westboro Baptist Church Members Defect
But not just any members, these two were high in the church’s ranks: Megan Phelps-Roper and her younger sister Grace. Next thing you know, cats will be marrying dogs. Not sure what this is a sign of, but it’s a sign.
During the first week of February, the White House released memos containing the legal justifications for drone strikes against US citizens. Let that one marinate.
13. Jesus Appears In Chocolate Milk
Did you see the recent appearances of Jesus? First a tortilla, then a grilled cheese sandwich, and now — a glass of Hershey’s chocolate milk. Why is He all of a sudden showing up in such a delicious form? Definitely a sign.
14. North Korea Confirms Its Third Nuclear Bomb Test
On February 11, North Korea successfully tested its third nuclear bomb underground. What are they testing it for? I dont know, but it better stop.
15. This Whole “American Citizens Shooting Everything Up With Guns” Thing
In January, didn’t it seem like every day’s headlines was made up of some gun-related stand-off? There was one weekend when I avoided TV, the Internet and any newspaper because of the inevitable leading news story.
16. Raining Spiders in Brazil
If this one’s not ripped from the pages of the Bible, I don’t know what is. In the Brazilian town of Santo Antonio de Platina, it rained spiders. Yeah, thousands of ’em — like frogs on Egypt. Tell me you’re not convinced something’s up.
17. Lay’s Introduces New Potato Chip Flavors
Lay’s, the potato chip manufacturer, has figured out new ways to fatten us up (and thus, slow us down). As if their chips aren’t tasty and bad enough for us, the company owned by PepsiCo has come up with three new tummy-enlarging flavors: Chicken & Waffles, Cheesy Garlic Bread, and Sriracha-flavored. We’re totally being fattened up for something.
18. Little Caesar’s Pizza Now Employs Robots (a.k.a. The Robot Uprising)
There was a time when the lowly fast food industry was the last vestige of employment, the place where a petulant teenager or retiree with lots of time (and little money) on their hands could get a minimum wage gig for their meds–former and latter, respectively. Now, we have to fight with or soon-to-be robot overlords for menial work. Not a good sign, fellow Homo sapiens.
19. Rihanna Confirms Reunion With Chris Brown, Says “It’s Different” This Time
During the last week of January, Rihanna let slip in a Rolling Stone interview that she got back together with Chris Brown. There were rumors, but I never saw a reunion really happening. Either she just doesn’t know better or this is a sign of the apocalypse.
20. Ireland Allows Kerry County Citizens To Drive Moderately Drunk
Local cops in Ireland’s Kerry county will be allowed to permit some of their residents to drive drunk. The measure passed on January 21 and is in the process of being approved by the Department of Justice. This won’t cause chaos of the streets of Kerry at all.
21. Village Voice Names Carly Rae Jepsens “Call Me Maybe” Song Of 2012
In its first issue of 2013, the Village Voice — a one-time cutting edge counterculture weekly — voted Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” its Song of 2012. If we don’t perish this year because of this, popular music has.
22. Obama’s Gun Control Package
I don’t know much about the details of Obama’s $500 million package, but I’m “Facebook friends” with a few gun nuts who are all up in arms about this and can’t stop posting conspiracy theories on my news feed. According to them, this package has something to do with a massive government plot, so take that for what it’s worth.
23. The New Girl Scout Cookie, Mango Creme, Tastes Horrible
What god would unleash this monstrosity of a snack treat on the world? More importantly, what do the Girl Scouts know about a creme cookie? Between this horrible new cookie and their hardcore, high-pressure sales tactics, I’m convinced the corporate higher-ups at the Girl Scouts of America headquarters are in cahoots with something bigger than all of us.
24. Everyone In Spring City, Utah To Own A Gun?
A councilman from Spring City, Utah has drafted a proposal recommending that everyone in the city own a gun. Initially, the proposal made gun ownership a requirement. So basically, kinda like the Wild West days. How’d that end up?
25. Willow Smith Samples Radiohead
Willow Smith is an angsty tween now. Willow, 12, laments in her latest song (that “dropped” the first week of January) with lyrics like “They wanna puncture me and then wonder why I bleed” and “I just want silence. Bye kids, try this.” All on top of a loop of Radiohead’s “Codex.” This has to be the soundtrack of the end days.
26. There’s An Untreatable STD Growing In North America, Y’all
It’s a super-strain of gonorrhea and, according to a CDC report, it’s usual cure, cephalsporin (the antibiotic used to treat The Big G), is becoming less and less effective. This super gonorrhea is already a problem in Japan, France, and Spain and, if this trend continues, America. I don’t think I have to spell this one out for you.
27. Mega Pod of Dolphins Caught-on-Camera off San Diego
Thousands Of Dolphins Spotted High-Tailing It Out Of The San Diego Coast . During the second week of February, a pod of dolphins (that’s what they call a group of dolphins) was seen swimming away from the coast of San Diego. The pod was estimated to be 7 miles long by 5 miles wide. Marine mammal expert Sarah Wilkin says the dolphins were going nuts because of “an abundance of food” in the area, but anyone who’s heard of the old “cats and dogs can sense earthquakes” theory will know that these dolphins sensed something. Maybe they sensed a forthcoming earthquake or maybe something more destructive! Or maybe they really were just hungry.